Category Archives: Social Anxiety

Insecurity

  • Having dinner the other day, I couldn’t help but constantly think to myself–am I being interesting right now, or am I being boring?  Am I being a jerk right now? Arrogant? Then I caught myself: STOP BEING SO INSECURE!  Just be yourself, and accept whatever happens: it’s not about being or not being certain adjectives or traits.  Life is a range, not black and white: everyone is some degree of everything, and the degree is constantly changing.  Just go with it, and react to life according to the principles you believe in.
  • People who are afraid of being judged may be in denial of being bad at things, trapped in perfectionist thinking (Overcome Perfectionism)

Resources

Overcome Illogical Thoughts of Insecure People

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Confidence

Confidence comes from within.  If you have an external source of confidence, it is only a source of confidence because you internally recognized it as such.  For example, if being a champion at chess is something all the kids at school make fun of you for, you might not feel confident at all as a result of your chess ability.  However, if everyone you know respects your chess ability, then you may feel confident because of it.  The same thing is true about money, status, and anything else that society, friends, family, yourself, puts value into: it only has value if you acknowledge it.

Personal story: I used to have clothes I liked that gave me confidence when I wore them.  Years later, those exact same clothes no longer gave me confidence because my sense of style changed.  I had a friend give me a make over, and even though other people agreed with my friend’s style, acknowledging that it was a good one, I personally did not agree with it.  So even though I could get compliments externally about my clothing style, because the style was not my own, and I did not acknowledge it, I still felt unconfident.

There is a difference between acting confident, and being confident.  People often suggest you achieve confidence by faking it until you make it.  Acting confident gives you the experiences to understand and gain actual confidence, and it can make you confident over time, but acting alone does not give you confidence.

Resources

How do Ladies Perceive Confidence in a Guy - Reddit

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Overcome Illogical Thoughts of Insecure People

If someone doesn’t like me, it means they dislike me.  No, it just means they don’t like you: whether they dislike you is a separate question.

If something went wrong or someone was feeling bad, it must be my fault.  No, you’re not the center of everyone’s lives: other things are at play.

If people don’t invite you, it doesn’t mean you’re banned–ask to go if you want to and it’s appropriate. (See 4 Kinds of Invitations)

If someone dislikes me, I am less valuable.  No, everyone has their own Self Worth (see What is Self Worth? and Who Am I?) independent from whatever worth other people judge you to have.

If someone dislikes, it means I’m unliked as a person.  No, it means that one person dislikes you, and it doesn’t make your entire existence unlikeable.  Is liking a fruit an objective truth? People are different, some like apples, others like oranges: liking people works the same way, some will like you, some will not, and that’s OK. (Watch the movie Wreck-It Ralph)

If I’m not perfect, I’m horribly imperfect.  No, there’s a range: you could make mistakes once a minute or once a day.  Don’t let one mistake feel like many mistakes, and don’t let mistakes in general make you feel imperfect: everyone is imperfect, not a big deal.

More advice: Common Relationship Mistakes

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