Monthly Archives: March 2014

Fears Associated with Relationships

Life Education, Mental Health, Relationships
  • Fear of Attachment.
    • To avoid the pain of loss.  However, never getting attached results in a lonely, lifeless life empty of people that isn’t worth living.  It is better to feel pain, but have the chance at joy, than to feel nothing.  
    • To avoid hurting others. However, you should realize that people are selective about who they depend on, so you don’t have to worry about them being overly reliant on you.  Even if they are overly reliant on you, accept imperfection: mistakes will happen (Overcome Perfectionism).  In addition to doing your best to prevent them, you need to learn how to deal with them (Guide to Handling Emotions and Problems)
  • Trust and Betrayal. 
    • Some people are bad, but some people are good. Don’t let the bad keep you from finding the good.  Don’t give up the search.  Also, realize that if you do meet a bad person, you can get through it–it is only temporary.
    • Betrayal is, unfortunately, part of life.  A good way to prevent it is to be careful about who you trust by picking people less likely to break your trust: someone who would have little motivation to break it, and a strong enough character to maintain it.  Another way to prevent betray is to only trust as much as you need to, and no more: don’t risk more than you need to.  Finally, when it has happened, take some lessons from it, and then move on with your life.
  • Fear of Judgement
    • You will be judged, it’s a fact of life.  The question therefore is how to deal with it.  A good first step is to understand the situation with some resources: “Understand the World” and “Relationships” from Life Education Curriculum, Nature of Your Own Identity
    • You can overcome it by logically think through the fear: is there any legitimate reason to be afraid of the consequences of being judged?  If you’re going into court about life and death, maybe, but if it’s harmless like what does someone think of me, then it doesn’t matter.  Differentiate between Needs vs Wants–you need to be judged innocent to avoid jail, you want to have an apple instead of apple juice.  More resources in Social Anxiety and Overcome Irrational Fears due to Imagination

Resources

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Self Awareness in Relationships

Identity, Life Education

What do you bring to the table?  This is typically an uncomfortable thing to think about or discuss, but at the end of the day you are always bringing something to the table, whether intentionally or not, and you should be aware of what you’re bringing.  Be comprehensive in your answer to this question: include both the good and the bad.  (One thing to watch out for is leeching: try to give more than you take when possible).

Who am I to others?  This is one of the most important skills to have, and one of the most difficult skills to learn.  This is important because you are rarely who you think you are to others–you might think you are being nice, but other people might think you’re mean due to differences in values, interpretation, perception, etc.  One way to get an idea of who you are to others is to ask for honest [anonymous] feedback.  Another way is to replay your interactions with others, and imagine what you would think if you saw yourself behaving and acting the way you did.  (Explaining may sound like complaining, constructive criticism may sound like insults, etc.)

Responsibility.  Always take responsibility for what you can. You are responsible for who you are, you are not responsible for how people react to who you are, but you should take their feedback into consideration.  I used to think people didn’t like me because they were bad people, but when I become more self aware, I realized I was being a bad person without knowing I was.  Turns out people had legitimate reasons not to like me.  Don’t blame others, take responsibility. If people react unexpectedly to something you do, either you don’t understand that person well enough to predict how they will respond, or you are not presenting yourself in the way that you think you are.

Don’t Be Self-Centered.  While you should take responsibility for yourself, don’t go too far: if someone acts differently towards you, don’t be so quick to immediately blame yourself.  People have lives outside of their interactions with you, so avoid falling into self blame, guilt, etc.  Instead, emphasize with them by trying to see things from their point of view–what might be going on to cause them to act differently.  Maybe when they made a face when they saw you, they just ate something sour, rather than they really don’t like you.  (Read Nature of Your Own Identity)

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Confidence

Life Education, Social Anxiety

Confidence comes from within.  If you have an external source of confidence, it is only a source of confidence because you internally recognized it as such.  For example, if being a champion at chess is something all the kids at school make fun of you for, you might not feel confident at all as a result of your chess ability.  However, if everyone you know respects your chess ability, then you may feel confident because of it.  The same thing is true about money, status, and anything else that society, friends, family, yourself, puts value into: it only has value if you acknowledge it.

Personal story: I used to have clothes I liked that gave me confidence when I wore them.  Years later, those exact same clothes no longer gave me confidence because my sense of style changed.  I had a friend give me a make over, and even though other people agreed with my friend’s style, acknowledging that it was a good one, I personally did not agree with it.  So even though I could get compliments externally about my clothing style, because the style was not my own, and I did not acknowledge it, I still felt unconfident.

There is a difference between acting confident, and being confident.  People often suggest you achieve confidence by faking it until you make it.  Acting confident gives you the experiences to understand and gain actual confidence, and it can make you confident over time, but acting alone does not give you confidence.

Resources

How do Ladies Perceive Confidence in a Guy – Reddit

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