Category Archives: Life Skills

How to Recover From Abuse

Here is a collection of tips that I found useful when recovering from abuse. Please comment below with any additional tips to share!

First recognize the state you’re in: you’re weak in every way.

You are not emotionally healthy enough to handle emotions because you’re emotionally weakened from the abuse you’ve gone through, so you’re likely to either be hurt easily by everything, or you’re likely to harden up and ignore or suppress any emotions you might feel. As much as possible, stay conscious of your emotionally weakened state, as it will help you make good decisions like avoiding confrontation/emotionally taxing events, or avoiding decisions that you normally wouldn’t make when healthy.

When you seek help, be selective and choose only people who make you feel better.  If someone doesn’t help you feel better about the abuse you’ve gone through, check if you have the energy to inform them. If so, do so. If not, end the conversation and try to find another person to help.  Most people are not trained to provide emotional therapy, so don’t be surprised if your friends and family fail to help.  Do make it known that you want help so that people can offer it to you and you can accept it if helpful.

Spend time on self care as much as you can.

Realize that you are likely to lapse greatly in this area, so do your best, but stay conscious of your progress and efforts at all times.

Health Checklist: I Feel Bad What Should I do?

Take your time, but also take as much action as you can bear.

A lot of people will tell you to ‘get over it’ and ‘move on’ and this is half helpful and half insulting so take it with a grain of salt.  The positive way of looking at these comments is that the intention is to help you feel better, it’s how they know how to show care for you. However, it’s often the case that their delivery is insensitive and hurtful, so ignore them if necessary.  Use them as a reminder that you should try as much as possible to take action, even if it’s a little bit. Get out of bed. Walk around. Shower. Wipe the table. Clear off the desk.  Read and clear an email or two.  Do something productive and take action.  And when you feel like you can’t do anything anymore, rest. If you need rest, take it.  When you’re ready, you can move on. When you’re ready, you can get over it.

Be honest with yourself on your recovery. Don’t let insensitive people pressure you to suppress your emotions before you’ve had the appropriate amount of time necessary to process them.  Take your time.

Do Things That Make You Happy!

Whatever it is, do what makes you happy until you can recover!

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Health Checklist: I Feel Bad, What Should I Do?

  • Water: Drink clean, pure water. Hydrate
  • Oxygen: Take deep breaths, long and slow. Breathe air
  • Relax Your Muscles: Check for stiffness or muscle tension from your head to your toe, limb by limb. Stretch gently and massage gently areas of stiffness or muscle tension. Stand up tall, hop up and down and loosen up your body.  Relax
  • Relax Your Mind: Problems matter, but you can get to them later. Procrastinate a bit and stop thinking about them.  Zoom out from the problem and see how the problem fits into the bigger picture. Look at that bigger picture instead.  Look for the good parts. Remember what you’re working for, what you’re working towards.
  • Nutrition: Did you eat at all recently? Was it all sugar? Was it all processed chemical foods? Get something fresh and organic and eat it. Check your salt intake, potassium intake, iron, protein, carbs, fiber, vitamin C, B, D.  Yes seriously. It’s your job to get enough of every chemical, otherwise not getting enough is probably why you don’t feel good now.
  • Sleep: Did you get 8+ hours every day for the last 4+ days? If not, that’s your problem.
  • Clothing: Are you wearing enough for the temperature you’re in? Add or remove layers, or adjust your AC/Heater.
  • Tasks: Is something due soon? What can you do, what’s in your control? What is not in your control? What is constructive that you can do and why? What is not constructive and why?  Focus on the plan, not the result. Plan and execute, let go of focusing on the result.
  • Perspective: Appreciate, Gratefulness, Positive Emotions. What are they? Remind yourself. Take a break from your current perspective to explore others.
  • Seek Help: Need help? Ask for it. Google it. AskReddit
  • Have Fun: Hung out with friends lately? Played lately? Had fun lately? Take a break
  • Relationships: Trouble? Happy? Face problems, ask for help if needed.
  • Financial: See Tasks and Seek Help
  • Emotional: See combination of all bullet points. Practice some self reflection and self awareness.  Meditate.
  • Intellectual: Speed is demanded by modern society but it isn’t required. If you’re late, better late than never. Thinking takes time, give your self time to solve intellectual problems.
  • Learn: Have you learned something lately? Do so
  • Create: Have you made something lately? Do so
  • Explore: Have you gone outside your comfort zone lately? Do so

If all bullet points are checked off as successful and you still feel bad, wait it out. Patience. <– This is assuming doctors haven’t provided effective solutions. If you haven’t seen a doctor, see a doctor and hear what they have to say.  Maybe listen, maybe not, it’s your choice.

Headache -> Check Fever, check temperature with thermometer.

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Giving Unhurtful Feedback

I am notorious for giving cruel, uncaring, cutting feedback.  I thought that if I was clear, firm, and to the point, I would achieve perfect communication.  This is true only for robots, but not for humans with emotions.

Here’s what I thought happens when two people talk:

(idea in head) -> words spoken -> sound in air -> words heard by other person -> (idea in head)

Here’s what actually happens

(idea in head) -> words spoken with tone and expressed with body language -> sound in air and visual imagery -> other person’s emotions at the time + other person’s unconscious biases and habits + other person’s beliefs and world view + other person’s view on the relationship between you and them + other person’s feelings of their relationships with themselves and the rest of the world at that moment + what you said + what they interpret what you said meant + what they see + what they interpret what they see meant -> (idea in head)

As a result, when I say something like “Don’t do that. Do this instead.”  What I think is happening is I’m clearly communicating what needs to be addressed, and how it needs to be addressed.  What is happening is I’m 1. taking authority and command and superiority to tell the other person what to do 2. making them feel small 3. making them feel threatened 4. making them feel confused and afraid from the threat 5. making them question why 6. making them insecure about whether to trust the information or not 7. wonder about my intentions 8. wonder about the impact on the relationship and on them self if they obey and if they don’t obey 9. creating a hostile environment into which it is difficult to give feedback, ask for clarification, be equal 10. etc.

Instead, lead with intent that is selflessly benevolent to the other person: I want you to do well, so I care if something bad happens to you. I an concerned that if you do that, a unfortunate etc. thing will happen to you, which I don’t want.  So my solution to the situation is to do this because given my experience etc. will happen. What do you think?

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