Sometimes you are unaware of how your actions are being perceived by others. You might think you are defending yourself, but in reality the other person is feeling attacked by your defense.
I recently had an experience where the more I defended my point of view, the more aggressive the other person became. And it took me a while to realize that from their point of view, me disagreeing with them was me attacking them. They felt I was invalidating their emotions and their perspective and disrespecting their right to have an opinion that is different from mine when that wasn’t my intention at all.
The approach I suggest you use next time is to utilize active listening to repeat back to them what they said to show that you heard them. Then check if they want to hear your opinion. Ask if they would listen to you now that you’ve listened to them. If the answer is no, then walk away, the conversation is done. If they do listen, then you can speak your mind. Manage the transitions from when you are listening and they are talking, to when you are talking and they are listening by making these transitions very clear. The last thing you want is for them to feel you are interrupting them to talk over them. Clarify if they have finished talking and ask for permission before transitioning to you talk.
In summary, if you are defending your position without acknowledging them, they could feel attacked. The way to have a healthy conversation is to use active listening to show you heard them, and then explicit transitions with consent from you listening and them talking to you talking and them listening so both people are respected and clear on their roles in the conversation at all times.
Treat others the way they treat you
-> Treat others the way you want to be treated
-> Treat others the way they want to be treated
The first level is eye for an eye. They treat you well, you treat them well. They treat you bad, you treat them bad. There is a vengeance and cruelty to it.
The second level is narcissistic. You train and build yourself up with firm values, and then assert them on others regardless of whether it is right for the other person or not. You don’t acknowledge the beauty there is in the uniqueness of every person. You don’t acknowledge that people are individuals to be treated differently. You treat them all the same based on your own thoughts.
The third level is compassionate and respectful. You listen, empathize, then give according to how they wish to receive. The only way to effectively give love is to understand how the other person receives love. How they receive love in reality is often not the same as what they say in words, because they may lack self awareness or there could be miscommunication. Try different ways of giving love, and watch how they react. Go with what they like and enjoy receiving, not what you like to give.
Often times you want something so you hold onto it so that it stays yours. However, this is selfish because you are only considering what you want. When it comes to many things in life, there are other people involved and they are allowed to want different things.
I recently wanted to repair a relationship by sending an apology, but this person did not want to forgive me and this made me feel very bad. How could they not forgive me? How can I live with myself knowing that this person isn’t going to forgive me for something I did unintentionally and accidentally? In the end, I realized two things. First, life goes on and it’s totally fine for the person to not forgive me: it doesn’t affect my life that much. I am living true to my values by acknowledging my mistakes and offering an apology. Second, forgiveness is their choice to give and it’s not in my control to get it.
The mindset shift from “How do I get forgiven” to “How do I learn and grow from this” was an extremely long journey, but ultimately what it took was letting go of trying to get forgiveness, and accepting that I’ll learn, grow, and move on.
It was surprising for me to realize that an action as pure and well intended as giving an apology could be perceived by the other person as a negative thing. However, I learned that you can’t control how others see you, and you can’t control if they forgive you, so you have to let go of what you can’t control.
The healthy decision is to let go. Let them go. They chose to leave, let them go. Do nothing. Don’t try to catch them. Don’t try to chase them. Trying to catch or chase them is trying to control the situation. They know where to find you. Give them the freedom to choose to come back for as the old quote goes “If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it’s yours forever. If it doesn’t, then it was never meant to be.”