Category Archives: Life Lessons

Choose Carefully Who You Share Your Story With

I want to be understood, so I try to build genuine authentic relationships based on the full truth of my life. Doing so has gotten me deeply hurt because I opened myself up. I’ve learned to be selective with who I share my full truth with, and I advise you do the same.

After many years, I’ve learned some people consistently respond nicely, some people respond based on the mood they are in, and some people always respond rudely. Some people can be trusted with the information, and some people will use that information to hurt you with it.

To protect yourself, don’t share your inner most stories with people who don’t deserve to hear it.  When I tell it to the wrong person and they invalidate me and criticize and attack me and take the other side, it hurts me deeply and causes me much mental and emotional anguish which I can avoid by not telling them the story.  Keep track of how they have responded in the past and if they consistently hurt you, do not reach out to them again.

Choosing the right person to open up to is especially important in a time of need. Don’t set yourself up for failure and pain by trusting the wrong person at the wrong time. Learn to protect yourself and keep your story to yourself. Accept the world as it is and act accordingly. 

I used to want to believe that the world was a safe place. I used to want to believe that people were good. I used to want to believe that I could make the world a good and safe place by acting as if it was. I realize now that is living in denial and causing me self-harm. The facts and data show the world is not safe and there are people who are not good, so to ignore this is to live in denial. Living in denial, opening up myself to people who are hurtful to me just harms myself, and self harm is not good.

In conclusion: be selective in who you open up to. Find the good people over time and hold onto them.

Wisdom 2021

Here is what I learned this year.

Pure selflessness and self sacrifice makes me depressed, unhappy, and resentful. Choosing to lose win when I can win lose is not sustainable for me. Take the win lose, then be gracious as the winner. Don’t take the lose win, and then beg as the loser.
1. win win
2. lose win win lose
3. win lose lose win
4. lose lose

Trust yourself more than anyone else. Work on yourself so that you are worthy of that trust.

  • Only you know your specific circumstances
  • Only you know all the context and details
  • Only you know what you want
  • Only you know what makes you happy
  • Only you know what you need right now
  • Only you will suffer the consequences of the action and decision
  • Only you will live with the outcome

Other people can and will help, but remember that they can only work with what you give them. You must communicate comprehensive honest details if you want others to be able to understand and help you.

If you communicate with bias, you will get biased help. If you use a happy tone for one option and a unpleasant tone for another, you signal to the other person what you want and will get a biased answer. If you do not use the same dimensions to describe your options, you will get a biased answer. If you talk a lot about one option, and very little about another option, you will get a biased answer.

Everyone is biased. Remember the background of the people you talk to and ask for help from: They are biased to recommend their own choices.

Do not mistake good intent for good advice. They can mean well and still not know what is right for you. You must be the final decision maker. You must retain your control over the circumstances by exercising your decision making power.

Do not give into emotional people. They have lost their self control, don’t follow in their footsteps. Only you can protect yourself at the end of the day.

Be honest with yourself. Video record yourself talking. Look in the mirror. Your body language will reveal to yourself what you really want.
Example: Everyone told me to pick Option A. I secretly wanted Option B and I was not honest with myself because I was afraid to go against everyone else. I video recorded myself talking about why I would choose Option A and why I would not choose Option B. The flat tone, disinterested body language, made it clear I was not honest with myself. I recorded a video of myself explaining why I was going to pick Option B over Option A, why I would go against all my advisors. I was smiling energetic passionate certain relaxed and honest and true to myself.
Use videos of yourself to find the honesty you’re too afraid to share with yourself.

(The following is personal to me:) I have completely freed myself from all external forces that have held me back in the past. I am a free man today. At this point, if I’m not happy now, it is due to the accumulation of my own choices. I have earned this opportunity now to build the future that I want. Do the following:

  • Eat
  • Sleep
  • Relax
  • Move around Physically and Often
  • Exercise
  • Have Fun
  • Smile

Focus on the present moment, do not focus your spending. When you do something, be focused on what you’re doing. When the time is up, move on to the next different thing. Don’t spend 24/7 on the same thing. Spend 8 hours on sleep, 8 hours on work, etc. Live a balanced life. Express your focus in the moment, not by giving up everything else.

Find good work, not good reward. You want a job where, if you get a reward, you want to go back to your job the next day. You don’t want a job where you can’t wait until you get your reward so you can stop working that job. Do the work you want more of, not the work you can’t wait to get rid of.
(Personal Anecdote: When I was at my peak and winning awards nearly every week, I barely had time to attend the awards ceremony. In fact, when my math team won 1st place for the first time in 4 years, I was on a car to my next competition and my co-captain had to accept it for me. That’s how dedicated I was to the work–I didn’t even care or think about the ‘loss of reward opportunity.’ I didn’t care at all. I had work to do, and I was focused and excited about moving on to the next thing to work on. )

Managing Insecurities.

  • As a leader, you can’t expect everyone else to be leaders too, that’s a paradox. If you want to be a real leader, you have to expect many followers to be afraid and emotional, inexperienced and unknowledgeable, and unable to understand your level of strategy and execution. So you need to build trust and sell them the idea that you are the one to make decisions and lead them through difficult times.
  • When you do something different, you make other people insecure so you need to get good at managing their insecurity. They are afraid that they made the wrong choices if you turn out to be right, so they will fight your success to convince themselves they are right. They feel inadequate and will fight you not to feel that way.
    • If someone lashes out at you, it’s more about them than about you.
    • (Personal anecdote: I used to believe if someone lashes out at you, it’s more about you than about them: You did something to trigger them and therefore you are responsible. Now I think you did something to trigger them, but you are not responsible for the trigger being a part of who they are, and if you want to show care to them, you can help them recover from being triggered.)
  • Learn to manage other people’s insecurities by learning to manage your own. Have trust faith and confidence in your abilities.

Looking back for opportunity is living a mindset of regret and negativity. I look back because I’m afraid of losing an opportunity when instead I should understand I already lost it because it is in the past. I look back because I think I won’t find anything better when instead I should trust that the best is yet to come, so look forward for the better. Looking for a better life in the past is living a life of regret: I don’t want to have a tone of regret hovering over my whole life attitude. It’s also not possible to go back in time so looking back is a fundamental flawed and failure approach to life.

Life Lessons July 2021 – Focus and Priority

Lesson: Watching someone else’s life diminishes my life. (7/11/21)
Solution: Focus on living your own life.
– All the time spent watching people do activities on TV, could be spent doing activities myself with people.
– All the time spent viewing images on social media could be spent taking pictures in real life.
– All the time spent reading about other people’s lives to see what they are up to, could be spent reaching out to them, interacting with them, building memories together.
Taking a break is OK. Relaxing with entertainment is OK. The mistake I made was I fulfilled my desire to live a better life by watching videos of the better life I wanted to have. I spent time immersing myself in the life I wanted to have through YouTube, instead of spending time moving myself to the life I wanted to live. I celebrated the career success of celebrities as my own success, instead of remembering that while the celebration is shared, the actual achievement and the rewards are not shared: My life remains where it is, and my life doesn’t get better when I celebrate achievements of people I don’t even know in real life.

Lesson: Blame the perpetrator, ask for help from the bystanders. (7/16/21)
– Put the blame on the perpetrator, not the bystanders. Blaming is how you lose support from people who otherwise would help you. If you go to them and you ask them to help you make it right, they will. If you go to them and call out their failure, you have lowered your chance of getting help.
– Focus on the perpetrator: who did what and when. Someone did you wrong: Describe what they did and make that the central detail of your story. Don’t get distracted by what ‘should have happened’ and who ‘should have helped’ and what others ‘should have done.’
– Focus on the present. The mistake I make is focusing on prevention and trying to think of ways to keep things from going wrong again. While prevention is valuable for future events, prioritize the present threat and danger of what is going on. Pursue preventative measures after the present damage is mitigated and you are safe.
– Inform and forgive the bystanders and treat them better than the perpetrator. The mistake I make is to hold those responsible for ensuring things go right to a higher standard than those who did the actual crime. This is wrong. I should blame the person who does bad actions more than the people who don’t even know it’s happening. I shouldn’t blame them for not observing or noticing when they can’t: it’s behind closed doors, etc.  The bad person is often strategic so they go undetected. Blame the bad person for their bad actions, inform the bystanders of how the bad person got away with it so they can get better at detection.