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Coping with Unfairness in Life

Devastating unfairness is crushing.  You feel helpless.  You feel worthless.  You feel wronged.  You feel hurt.  Attacked and Harmed.  You feel like the world isn’t right if it allows this to happen, and since the world did allow it to happen then you feel like the world isn’t right.  You question, you doubt, and you lose trust for the world and its people, things, organizations, places, etc.

You want sympathy. You want love and care and support. You want someone to help make things right. You want compensation for your loss. You want first aid so you can heal. You want healing. You want more than what you lost to make up for the time and emotions lost in addition to the loss itself.  You want acknowledgement of what happened. You want a community of people who care about you to acknowledge what happened and prove their care for you through their response to hearing what happened to you.

You want retribution for what happened to you. You want the person or organization or thing that did the harming to face the consequences of their actions. You don’t care what they face as long as they face a consequence. If you are emotional about what happened then you may have specific ideas for what they should face; time will relax your emotions so you can care less about specific outcomes.  Ideally you want the perpetrator to acknowledge what happened, apologize, offer to help, take action to help, provide and facilitate the healing process with you, announce their transgression to the rest of the community so that you can feel more secure in the validity of your feelings, your account and perspective and story on what happened, and so you can feel more confident that the community will and does in fact take your side of the situation.

You want to feel protected. You want to feel safe. You want to feel you can trust the world and the people in that world and the people in your world and in your community.
You want a lot of things.
You want.  A lot.  Of things.

But life is cruel.  You will most likely receive more pain on top of the pain you already feel.  You will face a world where people won’t listen, won’t help, and tell you to deal with it alone.  You will face a world where justice will not be served.  You will be uncared for.

You will have to work to rebuild yourself.  You will have to make your own repairs. You will have to heal yourself.  You will have to eat the loss. You will have to take the setback. You will have to lose.  Then, from that loss, start again.

Here’s what I’ve learned from going through the above process repeatedly over my life.

Key life lessons:
The people who hurt you don’t know that they hurt you and they don’t care that they hurt you and they don’t want to do anything to make it up to you.
There is good in the world, not all people are bad, you will meet a lot of bad on your way to the good, but since there are good people to find, make your way to the good.
Get Out and Get Better and Get Away. Staying in pain achieves nothing.

Common reasons for staying in pain are: you can’t help it, you want sympathy and compensation for your loss so you communicate to the world the severity of your pain by staying in pain, you protest against the unfairness of the world by staying in pain.  You lose the will to live or continue or you give up.  You lose confidence in yourself and you question everything you’re doing so you stop taking action and instead just question all actions.  You fall into a trap.  You want there to be someone to show you compassion and care and kindness and love in order to redeem mankind and the world to you in your mind. You want someone to change your mind about how life isn’t worth living. You want someone to bring confidence to the actions and steps you’re taking to continue to live in the way you’re choosing to live.  You want all these things. You will get none of it from other people.
Lesson: You save you.  You are your superman. You are your hero.  You are your redeemer.

 

Here at AttemptedLiving we are working on trying to create a better world. We wish that someday people who face unfairness can get all that they want from the community and people around them. As of 2019, the reality is no-one helps other people anymore.  You are on your own.  Good luck.

How to Ask For Empathy

Learn how to get emotional support when you need help by clearly communicating what you want from them so they can provide you with what you need.

When we confront and accuse decision makes of hurting us they misinterpret this as a criticism of their decision. It’s not. We just want to be acknowledged for our contributions to that decision: our pain and suffering. Clearly communicate this distinction so you receive less resistance to your message and ask.

 

Example 1 How to Ask for Empathy

Bob hurt you. You go to talk to Tom about it.

* Be clear with what you want: Ask them to listen ONLY and to not comment.

* Ask them to experience the story with you

* Ask them specifically for empathy so they know what’s going on.

 

What you want

you want empathy

you want them to listen to you ONLy. Don’t Comment.

you want them to experience the story with you

 

What they want

they want to help you feel better

 

What you feel

you feel unburdened when you start telling your story and sharing your thoughts and feelings.

 

What they feel

helpless

upset that

1. you are upset and went through this negative experience

2. they want to help you avoid this experience in the future

3. the want to make a difference

4. they want you to feel better

—>>

ACTIONS that they take are

1. tell you to feel better

2. discount your emotions

3. give you advice

 

Offensive to the person hearing it. 

* shows that you’re not engaged in the story

 

 

Example 2

Bob hurt you. You confront Bob about it.

 

 

What you want

* Bob to acknowledge that he hurt you. Apologize

* be careful about wanting to hurt him back. AVOID THIS.

* Outcome?? Is he listens, and then we move on.

OR he listens, and then we decide together on how to move on.

 

What they want

* They don’t want to have this conversation

* They want to be happy

 

What you feel

Upset.

Hopeful that this will be resolved

 

What they feel

Upset.

afraid over what’s going to happen next

Calm them down by communicating the outcome that you want.

Hopeful that this will be resolved

 

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The Four Kinds of People in the World Based On Wealth

I’m a strong believer that how someone behaves is based on how much that person has.  I hope you benefit from this by using this framework to understand the people around you: why they might behave the way they do, what range of wealth they might have because of how they behave, and how they think.

Level 1 Wealthy: If someone has nothing or close to nothing, then they are close to death. Every day they wake up alive is a celebration. Anything they have is a celebration. They are generous and helpful and grateful in their nature because they have no other choice. The other choice would be to give up and die, and so if they make that choice they do die.  So you’re much more likely to meet the positive attitude dirt poor person than the negative attitude poor person simply because the negative attitude poor person population dies off.

Level 2 Wealthy: If someone has found a way to survive, then they are level 2 wealthy. They don’t have nothing, but they don’t have everything either. Tradeoff decisions exist: either they can eat today, or they can eat tomorrow, but they can’t eat both days.  This person is more likely to be highly calculating: in order to make it long term, they have to appropriately be investing for the future while investing in the present. They can’t have both, risk management is a constant daily chore.  This person is likely to be very conservative: save money, save everything in case someday you need to use it, then you have it.  Theres a lot of fear for big events that might wipe them out completely. Illness, storms (literal and figurative storms), threats from danger (animals, people, etc.)  Highly risk averse, this person is likely to follow the path of least resistance: their life is hard enough as it is that they don’t pick the harder road, they don’t pick challenges. They avoid them at all cost.

Level 3 Wealthy: If someone begins to experience the pleasures of abundance, the peace of mind of not having worries for the future because they have enough to invest appropriately for the future and the present simultaneously, the peace of mind of not having fears because they have enough to build protection and safety around them and their home and their world/society/civilization, then they start becoming a happier more generous person overall. They see the world as exciting and full of positive opportunity, because most of their time is spent experimenting and playing with things and hoping for positive outcomes. They don’t have to do serious risk analysis because they have enough to pay for any cost that might unexpectedly come up. They have a surplus of resources so they play with the surplus, and because it is surplus it doesn’t affect their basic needs and necessities.  These are kind people.

Level 4 Wealthy: If someone becomes addicted to participating in activities that generate wealth, they enter this category.  Just like Level 3 Wealthy people, a Level 4 Wealthy person will play around with surplus resources. However, the difference is that while Level 3 Wealthy people have the goal of having fun, Level 4 Wealthy people have the goal of getting more resources.  Collecting resources is a game, finding opportunities to earn resources is a skill they work and refine as their life’s art and craft, and they become greatly disconnected from common man emotions and feelings because 1. they have enough wealth to not feel fear/worry/risk/negative emotions and 2. they have refined their craft of earning and have learned that emotions and feelings do not contribute to that craft, in fact it is counter productive, therefore they shut down all emotion and feelings in pursuit of maximizing their score in the game of earning in life.

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