Category Archives: Emotional Intelligence

Emotionally Intelligent Communication

The following is quoted from https://www.reddit.com/r/LifeProTips/comments/kf6k23/lpt_many_problems_in_marriage_are_really_just/?sort=top

By elizacandle

Anyone trying to learn emotional communication read below.

In order to have a fulfilling life and fulfilling connected relationships you have to work on your emotional side. You cannot have passion for life or anything if you’re emotions are suppressed and hidden away. This can lead to depression and is often a symptom of emotional neglect…what is emotional neglect?

A majority of parents just want what’s best for their children, but some are abusive and neglectful in many more ways in addition to emotional neglect.

It is invisible and thus often overlooked in favor of treating physical abuse /neglect (understandably so).

I won’t focus on this kind of abuse in this post because there’s plenty of literature and understanding on trauma

It is  certainly present in abusive homes but also can be present in homes where everything looks good.

For example parents are financially well-off, nice home, provide great nutrition, the best clothes, the best academic education, and the best head start financially, never spanked, hit, or witnessed domestic violence… So it’s easy to assume people brought up like that had a “perfect” life.

However it is quite common that parents (whether with bad intentions or good intentions) are ill equipped to handle and support their child emotionally. 

CPS won’t spot these issues and can’t really do anything about it because there’s no physical scars or malnutrition to document.Examples of Emotional neglect

  • Told to stay out of sight when you’re upset /crying
  • Rarely hugged /cuddled.
  • Told you we’re too emotional/dramatic.
  • Always cheered up with money (new toy, new clothes etc)
  • Told as a child that your problems didn’t matter because your parent had SO much more going on than you.
  • Being punished for having emotional reactions. (Your favorite toy broke /got lost, you’re sad, parents tell you to stop crying or you’ll get a time out etc)
  • If you weren’t happy and all smiles your parents would not want you around. There’s many more examples but this really gives you a good idea. These things might seem trivial or ‘not a big deal’ and isolated occurrences aren’t a big deal.

However, if this is how you’re brought up… Day in day out as a child over time you’re taught that your emotions are to be suppressed, hidden. You’re taught that you’re emotions make you unreasonable and wrong. Slowly self esteem is chipped away and you might only feel proud when you get that new promotion or when you buy a new house. But the feeling doesn’t last.Symptoms of Emotional neglect

  • Low self confidence
  • sometimes a seemingly little thing can set your anger off
  • when something bothers you, you don’t say anything you’d rather avoid uncomfortable situations
  • depression
  • anxiety
  • afraid that if you open up people will leave you.
  • poor ability to maintain or develop habits
  • you often work until you burn out
  • you have difficulty resting, being kind to yourself And more.

Needing nurture, emotional support and unconditional love is part of being human and if that eas missing it affects you deeply.

Fortunately, you can heal from this. You can learn how to open up and pick up healthy habits. You can feel fulfilled and at peace with who you are. You can be happy.

This won’t solve all your problems but recovering from this will make your financial problems, relationship problems, etc feel like you can tackle them without burning out.Here’s a few resources that might help you.

Amazing books that really help dig deep, gives you easy do’s and don’ts for developing healthy coping skills, healthy habits. Etc. Really worth the read. The reason I HIGHLY recommend these is because they focus on emotional neglect which is often (and understandably) overlooked in favor of more visible issues such as physical /emotional abuse. However emotional neglect can be just as harmful as any other form of abuse and Dr. Webb Really helps you understand how to improve your emotional health and heal from your past.

Pete is a “general practitioner” who specializes in helping adults recovering from growing up in traumatizing families, especially those whose repeated exposure to childhood abuse and/or neglect left them with symptoms of Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder [Cptsd]. He has a great deal of recovery from his own Cptsd, and his professional approach is highly enriched by his own 40 year journey of recovering. 

The book demonstrates compellingly why self-esteem is basic to psychological health, achievement, personal happiness, and positive relationships.  Branden introduces the six pillars—six action-based practices for daily living that provide the foundation for self-esteem—and explores the central importance of self-esteem in five areas: the workplace, parenting, education, psychotherapy, and the culture at large.  

For Relationships

This amazing little app is available for free on Apple and Google. While it is aimed at people who are parenting and in a relationship the facts and guides it shares are extremely useful in helping you build stronger relationships and emotional bonds with those around you. It has short videos and is easy to use just a few minutes a day. 

You love each other, right? So why does it feel like you’re not on the same page? The most common issue in any relationship is the communication barrier. Everyone experiences love differently, and it’s easy to miss the mark when it comes to showing that you care. With a little help from The 5 Love Languages®, you can learn to identify the root of your conflicts, give and receive love in more meaningful ways, and grow closer than ever. Your Love Language profile will explain your primary love language, what it means, and how you can use it to connect to others.

–  Not ‘Just Friends’ by Shirley glass Not only useful for after an affair but a great guide on how to build a stronger relationship between you and your partner so that you can prevent infidelity and increase true intimacy.Therapy

All lf these are a good supplement (or prelude) but not a replacement for therapy. Whenever you’re ready and able to get therapy, get therapy. A good therapist can really give you personalized guidance.

Don’t be afraid to shop around for the right fit. If you’re having trouble finding the right therapist learning some vocabulary /what issues apply to you- so you can advocate for yourself more effectively with your therapist/when finding other resources.Use Your library and get em free!

Most of these are available via The Libby App By Overdrive let’s you use your library card to check out e-books and audio books! FREE!

You can listen/read on your phone or use the Kindle (app or e reader) to download them there. Very useful and handy!

Also used older generation kindles with the e ink displays are available relatively cheap online- I got mine for around $40 bucks!Things to remember on your journey of self growth

  • Progress isn’t linear
  • Mistakes are normal and they do NOT erase your progress.
  • Be gentle with yourself, you cannot shame your way into improving
  • Don’t try to change every single thing at once. True lasting change is done incrementally over time.
  • Take breaks- and give yourself time to process!
  • Naming your emotions gives you power over them
  • Self Care is a must! It comes in many forms and what works for me may not work for you! Exploration is key.
  • Someone else’s abusive/neglectful behavior does not reflect your worth or value.

YOU CAN DO THISBreak The Cycle

If you’re interested, Please join my community r/HealfromYourPast its new but i hope to create a space of healing and support.

Human Nature Lessons

Above all, people want to believe they are good people and they will do every mental trick in the book to believe it. 

Either they will focus on the intent and say they had good intentions so focus on that, or they will say they had good impact and say focus on that. Rarely will they own up when there is a mismatch in intention and impact and apologize for having bad intentions but good impact or for having good intentions but bad impact.  They will focus on the good so that they can sleep at night thinking that they are good people. 

Stages of Mental Health Deterioration

A few weeks ago I went through a huge range of mental health, so I want to document that experience here for your benefit so that you can use it as a reference for understanding your own mental health, for understanding the mental health of others, and so you know how to use that understanding to help yourself or others.

 

Stage 1. I felt so bad that I started hallucinating. In the shadows of the night I’d see faces staring back at me when I know there’s nothing there. But because my mental health is weak, then the part of my brain that separates fantasy from reality got blurred.

Stage 2. Then as I regained sanity, I could sense that I was unwell, but I couldn’t tell what was unwell. This is the stage where so many problems exist that no one problem can stand out as a singular one to work on. The problems that are critical that simultaneously exist are: sleep deprivation, emotional vulnerability and emptiness, malnourishment.  Unresolved trauma. Unresolved pain. Unresolved many things.  Lack of motivation. But the key point is: Lack of belief in a brighter future. I don’t think taking steps to improve my condition will eventually pay off, so that’s why I don’t take any steps at all.  I do NOT believe in a brighter future.

Stage 3. Then as I regain hope that there does exist a brighter future, I begin taking steps to get to that brighter future.  Then this stage is where I’m actively trying to make good decisions, but I’m too emotionally damaged to not give in to my emotions and make bad decisions due to sadness/loneliness/depression/etc. I’ll reach out to bad sources of feeling better that keep me stuck in a bad place rather than say sleep early, eat well, exercise, socialize, etc.

Stage 4. Then as I successfully take a step forward in sleeping properly, I regain some sense of control and decision making ability and I start making my bed every morning. I also start watching videos about self help and how to improve.  The process is beginning to take shape and become a habit for me: a habit to improve my situation.

Stage 5. Then I start organizing my life. I start keeping a schedule. I start setting goals for the day, tasks, and then completing maybe one of them.   I might complete 4-5 tasks a week, which is an extreme improvement from 0 tasks due to 0 belief in a brighter future and 0 motivation to take any step towards improving my situation.

Stage 6. As the steps forward and the task progress continues over weeks and weeks, I begin having the self worth and self confidence to face the world and reach out to friends to socialize.  To take walks and get the valuable exposure to nature/weather/sun/out doors/fresh air/new experiences/contact with other humans/etc.

 

Let’s revisit each stage now and see what you could do to help someone else if they were in that stage.

Stage 1 is they are hallucinating. Google how to calm someone down without saying “calm down.”  Be there with them, reach out to them heart to heart and pull them from the darkness that is a world where nightmares and reality have merged and they don’t know what’s stable ground to stand on anymore. Be that rock for them and remind them of the truths of the world.  Gently.  Again, google how to give feedback in a non-threatening way. (Non-Violent Communication Book).  Often just being there and shutting up is good enough.

Stage 2. They are sane, but they have 0 motivation to improve themselves.  In this stage DO NOT TELL THEM TO GO DO STUFF.  Or at least not directly.  Here you have to use persuasion and leadership.  Find a way to make them want to do so themselves, rather than have the motivation come from you.  Develop an intrinsic motivation within them. How? My method is to understand their situation: what do they think about the world that results in them concluding that there is no brighter future? Diagnose their world view and perspective by LISTENING TO UNDERSTAND and NOT to criticize.  Once you understand their point of view and make them feel heard, then you have earned their trust. ONLY THEN can you ask for their PERMISSION to guide them to a better way. This may take days and many sessions but you must go at their speed and be patient.

Stage 3. They have decided to improve their life and they are now on their way and they run into roadblocks with willpower or knowledge or habits or anything at all.  You want to be a supporter. again, NO criticism. Come with understanding, emotional depth of understanding, support, encouragement, and help. Check in OFTEN with them, daily if possible, to see their condition, NON JUDGMENTALLY, and then guide them. Give them the strength to do the right thing by helping them do it. They are very weak at this stage and will struggle without your constant support.

Stage 4. Start complimenting them on what they’ve accomplished, and constantly remind them of what they have accomplished. They are in this world where there’s so much work left to be done. Don’t be the person who makes that stress and pressure worse by piling on more demands and expectations. Give them the strength to face the work by appreciating the work they’ve already completed.

Stage 5. Start inviting them to events to meet in person and socialize or have fun or hang out.  Start feeding them some sense of a life as a normal person. No longer treat them as some kind of special case, but still check in frequently and offer and give help and support, just do so without this “I’m a care taker and you’re disabled” approach. It’s more a “we’re equals, and I’m gonna help you” attitude now.

Stage 6. Continue Stage 5 for another 6-12 months.  Be extra sensitive and don’t start treating them normally until many months after they start appearing to be normal. They will be acting normal, but inside they are still weak. So if you criticize them like you would criticize someone who hasn’t just come through trauma, you will re-injure them and make their condition worse. Just like if you’ve just had surgery, you’re going to “recover” in a few days/weeks, but you won’t REALLY recover for many months.  Emotional recovery is the same. Sure the scar has healed and the stitches are gone, but re-injury is going to be very easy and that wound is very weak so don’t disturb it again for some time. Give it time to be strong once more.

 

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