Category Archives: Conversation

Giving Unhurtful Feedback

Conversation, Friendships, Life Skills, Social Skills

I am notorious for giving cruel, uncaring, cutting feedback.  I thought that if I was clear, firm, and to the point, I would achieve perfect communication.  This is true only for robots, but not for humans with emotions.

Here’s what I thought happens when two people talk:

(idea in head) -> words spoken -> sound in air -> words heard by other person -> (idea in head)

Here’s what actually happens

(idea in head) -> words spoken with tone and expressed with body language -> sound in air and visual imagery -> other person’s emotions at the time + other person’s unconscious biases and habits + other person’s beliefs and world view + other person’s view on the relationship between you and them + other person’s feelings of their relationships with themselves and the rest of the world at that moment + what you said + what they interpret what you said meant + what they see + what they interpret what they see meant -> (idea in head)

As a result, when I say something like “Don’t do that. Do this instead.”  What I think is happening is I’m clearly communicating what needs to be addressed, and how it needs to be addressed.  What is happening is I’m 1. taking authority and command and superiority to tell the other person what to do 2. making them feel small 3. making them feel threatened 4. making them feel confused and afraid from the threat 5. making them question why 6. making them insecure about whether to trust the information or not 7. wonder about my intentions 8. wonder about the impact on the relationship and on them self if they obey and if they don’t obey 9. creating a hostile environment into which it is difficult to give feedback, ask for clarification, be equal 10. etc.

Instead, lead with intent that is selflessly benevolent to the other person: I want you to do well, so I care if something bad happens to you. I an concerned that if you do that, a unfortunate etc. thing will happen to you, which I don’t want.  So my solution to the situation is to do this because given my experience etc. will happen. What do you think?

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Conversations Friendship

Conversation, Friendships

A collection of indicators of friendship that can be found through conversation.

Example 1: Bob mentions he has been promoted, but is concerned and tired at the large amount of work he has now been given.

  • Acquaintance response: congrats on the promotion!  Surface level conversation about positive issues
  • Friend response: how are you feeling?  Caring conversation about deeper issues; feeling the friend’s concern and exhaustion and empathizing.

If you don’t know what to say, think of a compliment and say it.

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Eye Contact

Conversation

I once ran into two groups of people, a group of friends walking behind a group of strangers.  I looked with no facial expression at my friends, then looked at the group in front.  Then smiled a bit in the general direction of the 3+ people I knew and then walked by them.  This was rude and super fail eye contact–if you are friends, you should greet each other respectively.  From their perspective, they saw me staring in their direction, then away, then smiling randomly towards them without eye contact–I made none of them feel like I recognized or acknowledged them personally.

That is the power of eye contact: to let someone know that you are who they are focusing on.  People will like you more if you make eye contact with them, and the interaction will feel more genuine.  That’s not to say you can’t look away during a conversation, but it does mean that you should be careful about how you look away, because your body language may communicate that you are disinterested or not paying attention.

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