Monthly Archives: February 2014

How to Say No and Goodbye

Social Skills

There are two ways, without a reason, with a reason.

Saying no without a reason in some cases is the easiest method: you just say no and the conversation moves on.  However, if people ask for a reason, it is more difficult, but even then you can say “you don’t want to say” and if they try to give you a hard time about it, step out of the situation and realize that this is just a short term event (see timescales) and it will pass and life will move on.

Saying no with a reason is generally the better way to handle the situation, if the reason is something that can be shared and you’re OK with sharing it.  It is the better way because it makes the “no” feel less like a rejection and more like a factor of bad timing.  If you don’t feel comfortable sharing the reason, or you can’t share it, then say that and people will understand–if they don’t understand and instead give you a hard time about it, either they’re joking or their serious, and either way see timescales above.

These same rules apply to How to say Goodbye: “I’m going to go now, bye!” Works fine.  It clearly communicates that you’re leaving, so that you can leave: problem solved.  “I have to go _____” If you want to give a reason.

This post is part of AttemptedLiving’s Conversation Resources, a collection of articles on conversation.

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When You’re Not Invited / 4 Kinds of Invitations

Social Skills

Invitations: you can get them because 1. it is a public event, 2. it is polite to include you since you are associated with the group or organization in question, 3. someone is interested in getting to know you better,  4. you have friends who want you there and you want to be there with friends.

You start off from one end and slowly get the other end.

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Why am I Funny with Friends but Not with Others

Comedy, Conversation

Comedy 101: A joke consists of a set up, and a punchline.  Without a set up, the punchline means nothing: it’s just a set of words.  If I think it’s normal for people to walk into stop signs, I won’t think a video of it is funny–it’s only funny because I have the context that it’s not common, that it can be funny (and that my empathy for the person doesn’t over power my willingness to laugh).

The identity of the performer matters as well.  People you just met or are just getting to know better, don’t know who you are.  They don’t have the full context, the full set up, for your jokes: that’s why your jokes might not make sense and why your audience may not laugh.  This is also why you often aren’t able to make people laugh by just copying what you think is the comedian’s verbal set up lines, because what you don’t realize is that implicit within every joke is a play off the joke teller’s identity. If the person who walks into the stop sign is Kramer from Seinfeld, who is known for being clumsy, it’s very funny because it fits his personality.  If the person is your boss, teacher, parent who you typically think of as in control and important, it may be so unexpected that you find it shocking and concerning instead of funny, or you may be afraid to laugh for fear of offense.  If you’re at a comedy club, you’ll be more confident about laughing because you know it’s a joke; if you’re at a dinner party or an event with people you don’t know well, you won’t know if what they’re saying is a joke or not.  You’ll be more reserved about laughing because you don’t want to be disrespectful in case they were serious.  Hence why it’s harder to make jokes with strangers.  Even if it’s with friends, if you don’t normally make jokes, and you don’t prepare them for it, they may not realize that you’re joking.

Finally, not everyone finds the same things funny: it might be that this group doesn’t appreciate a certain kind of joke that another group would–if a joke falls flat, look on the bright side: you’ve learned something about this group of people, which will help you to get along with them better in the future.

To improve at comedy with strangers, understand your joke better, so you can explicitly set up the context with words.  However, I would advise getting to know each other better before you start making deep jokes: start with lighter ones that people from more backgrounds will appreciate, and that don’t require too much context or set up.  In particular, avoid risky jokes like self-deprecation or obscenity early on.
Friends know who you are not going to judge you based on what you say when you make a joke, because they know the real you is not the temporary character you pretend to be when you make that joke.   (See my post on How to Make Friends.  You should avoid risky jokes like self-deprecating humor or obscene insults until step 4 of friendship, after they’ve gotten to know you with step 2 and 3, otherwise they’ll get to know you as someone who is not that great, and insulting.)

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