I recently had a terrible experience with an abusive and controlling and all around bad person. This person made my life miserable and I became progressively unhealthy and unhappy and negative.

It reached a point where I was unhappy all the time. As a result, I reached out to friends and family for empathy and support and I unloaded my burdens and stories of pain on them, all because of this one bad person.

I lost relationships I wanted to keep because they didn’t want my burdens or they didn’t know how to help me. I hurt people who didn’t deserve to be hurt by overwhelming them with stories of my pain and suffering when they were already struggling with their own. To the friends who left me suffering, I expressed my disappointment in them for failing to help me, and that made them feel unappreciated for the effort they put in to try and help.

All the energy I spent bringing negativity to the people who were good to me in my life, I should have used to seek out appropriate resources and defend myself against the person who deserved it: the bad person. Unfortunately at the time, I didn’t know the right thing to do. Now I do.

Here’s what I recommend you do when you are in pain:

• Do not expect anyone to help you. When you ask for help, prepare for them to say no and if they say no, accept it and move on.
• Do not expect non-professionals to know how to help you. I kept asking friends and family and acquaintances when I should have been seeking doctors and lawyers and police and abuse hotlines. Ask for help from people who are trained in the area that you need help in.

I unintentionally burned many bridges by asking the wrong people and having the wrong expectations. Avoid my mistakes.

Before you need them, identify your emergency contacts. Use them for help and contact them privately. I used the general public for help and that was a mistake. Strangers avoid danger. When you broadcast you are in danger to the general public, most people won’t rush to your side to help. In fact, they will do the opposite: they will avoid you while you are in danger, and they will keep in mind to avoid you in the future as well.

The next time something terrible and overwhelming happens to you, do this: Stay calm, protect yourself, walk away, and contact your emergency contacts for support and advice and strategies on what to do next.

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