All posts by Solomon

Common Misconceptions About Self Worth

Social Anxiety

If someone doesn’t like you, it doesn’t mean they dislike you.  There are many other emotional responses they could have, or they might have none at the moment: everything isn’t always about you.

If people don’t invite you, it doesn’t mean you’re banned–ask to go if you want to and it’s appropriate.

If something goes wrong, or someone is mean, it might not be your fault. They might be having a bad day, or someone else caused the problem.

Is liking a color an objective truth? Some people like orange, some people don’t, the same is true about you.  If some people dislike you, it’s OK and normal, you will find others who do like you.  (Watch the movie Wreck-It Ralph)

Your self worth is what you decide it to be.  If you want other people to decide it for you, it is your choice to let them. There is a difference between self-worth, which is the worth you perceive yourself to have, and worth to others, which can include cultural standards for social status, or peer standards, parental standards, material, etc. (see Judgments) If you want it to be based on how many people validate you, then it will be; but if you decide you have worth because you say so, then in your eyes you do.

You don’t have to be perfect to have self worth, unless you choose to make it a requirement, in which case you should realize you’re choosing to make it impossible to have self worth.  Remember, you are your worst critic, and no-one sees as many flaws as you do, so realize you have a skewed view of your imperfections.

Believe you can have what you want.  This idea of “deserve” only exists within certain contexts: In one community, you only deserve an xBox if you have straight As; in another, you deserve one because you can afford it; in another, because you have connections; etc. etc..  Getting something has two components: believing you have the self worth to have it, and an opportunity to have it.  Opportunity is partly in your control, but the belief in your self worth is definitely in your control.  You are worthy of happiness, love, friends, success, if you say so.  Whether you get it is separate.

Read What is Self Worth? next!

To find out when those posts, and other life education writing, are released, subscribe on the side! Follow on Twitter, on Facebook, on Google+, on Tumblr.

Conversation Secrets: Conversation Recap

Conversation

If your conversation reaches a low point, this is a good time to do a conversation recap: Quickly summarize what you discussed together and learned [about one another]. This does several things:

1. shows you were listening, and cared enough to remember, giving others a positive impression of you.

2. reminds everyone of their shared context, strengthening the relationship and the comfort level between everyone.

3. may trigger ideas for more conversation, or remind someone of something that they might not have had a chance to say before the conversation shifted to something else.

More Conversation Secrets: How to ask Questions without Questions

Conversation Secrets: How to ask Questions without Questions

Conversation

Imply the question, instead of asking it.

Instead of asking where someone is from, say where you’re from: it’s implied that they will eventually tell you where they’re from.

Instead of asking what someone thinks of a new movie, just say: Movie X is coming out soon, or I wonder if Movie X is a good movie.  A request for a comment is implied.

Say “I’m bored” to trigger a conversation on “what should we do now?” or say “I want to [insert random action]” so there’s something to start the discussion.

Say “I like Restaurant A” instead of, do you want to eat at restaurant A?

Often, people’s conversations sound like an interview, with questions asked and answers given.  This is especially true if you’re just starting to learn the art of conversation.  By avoiding explicit questions, the answer can be more open ended, making answering easier and more interesting: they might have something to say that you didn’t think to ask, so if you asked a question, they wouldn’t be able to say that interesting comment because they would instead need to answer your question.  This also takes the pressure off the other person because it’s not a direct demand for an answer. It also protects you from the sting of rejection, because an answer isn’t required anyway!

Read 4 Ways to Beat Social Anxiety