All posts by Solomon

To Provide Effective Care, Seek to Understand First Part 3

Thoughts On Life

 

This post will teach you how to help others more effectively.  This post is also for people who are suffering from the help of others. If someone is helping you in a harmful way, send them this article.  

If you try to help someone, and they tell you that you’ve made things worse: own up to the fact that you have made things worse if you want to effectively give care. 

I had an experience where someone tried to help me, and I told them their help was unsuccessful and I explained why.  The caring response I wanted to hear from them was to listen and understand why it was unsuccessful, and then use that new knowledge to come up with a better plan for helping me. Instead, they said  “I don’t think it is the onus of the giver to consider all foreseen or unforeseen circumstances, otherwise nothing gets done because anything could be possible. ”  This is extremely emotionally abusive. Don’t do this. Let me explain why this is bad so you can understand how to do better. 

First, the sentence structure “I don’t think…the giver [should] consider” basically translates to “the giver doesn’t have to be considerate” That is wrong.  A good giver is considerate. A good person is considerate.  Be considerate of others please.  The better thing to say is “Sorry I didn’t know to consider that, thank you for telling me so I know to do so next time.”

Second, “I don’t think it is the onus of the giver” basically translates to “I don’t take responsibility for my actions as a giver.”  This is wrong.  A good giver is responsible. A good person is responsible. Be responsible for your actions and the effects of your actions on others.  The better thing to say is “Sorry, I take responsibility of causing you distress due to my negligence and ignorance. Help me understand you better so I can do better next time.”

Third, “otherwise nothing gets done because anything could be possible” is a logically fallacy called a False Dilemma or False Dichotomy (see #4 in article).  The premise of the statement is either no responsibility is taken and things get done, or responsibility is taken and nothing gets done.  The premise is false.  The statement is false.  The better thing to say is “I want to help.  Please be patient with me because I don’t know everything, but I also don’t want to wait until I know everything to take an action to help you.” 

 

If someone is doing this type of emotional abuse through help, you might be afraid to bring this up because 1. they might stop helping you and abandon you 2. you don’t want to anger them or shame them into harming you 3. you don’t have the emotional strength to even put it into words.  If this is the case, don’t worry.  Time will change the weather, and there will come the opportunity for you to tell them.  And when you do, you can refer them to this article.  

 

A useful analogy to explain this is a car accident.  In the USA, most car accidents are not intentional.  The person who caused the accident intended well: the intent was to drive safely.  However, the reality is there was an accident and now people are hurt.  In the USA, the person who caused the accident is held responsible for both the damage to their own car and for the damage to the other car and people affected by the accident.  Emotional damage is like a car accident.  If someone accidentally emotionally harms someone else, the person who caused the accident is held responsible for both the emotional damage caused to themself and for the emotional damage caused to the other person.  

Here are the links to Part 1 and Part 2

Be the Driver of Your Car

Life Lessons, Thoughts On Life

Lately I’ve been feeling tired and I don’t know where my time is going. I don’t feel like I’m doing very much, yet I’m exhausted. Also, I don’t know what I’m doing. Did I mention I don’t know where my time is going? I feel lost and confused, like I don’t have control and I don’t have a map and I don’t have any skills. Do you know what I’m talking about?

If you’re feeling this way, this is the article for you.

The way we are getting out of this feeling is by using driving as a symbol and analogy for our life. If you are in the driver’s seat of a car, what would you do?

The first thing to do as the driver is to take action. As the driver, the car goes where you tell it to go. If someone else takes the wheel from you, then you are no longer the driver. Sitting in the driver’s seat does not make you the driver. Taking the action of controlling the car’s direction makes you the driver. You must take action to be the driver of your life.

The second thing to do as the driver is to make decisions. Make decisions in your life. Don’t let other people make decisions for you. You decide where you are going to take your car. They can tell you they want to go to the bathroom, or to visit their favorite restaurant, or see a park, but you are the final decision maker. You are the driver: make the final decision.

The third thing to do as the driver is to always be moving. A car that isn’t moving is not being driven: it’s a parked car. Don’t be a parked car going no where in life and panicking at what you’re seeing out of the tiny windows you’re looking out of. Keep Moving.

The fourth thing to do as the driver is to clean your windows. See the world, as much of it as you can. Take in information so you know where to go, whether there is danger up ahead or not, and whether to take this detour or not. The circumstances of the world around you are constantly changing, so be on the look out and keep your eyes open.

The fifth thing to do as the driver of your car is to take care of your car. Take it to maintenance, to the shop, for oil changes, purchase insurance

The sixth thing to do as the driver of your car is to equip it so you are read for the road ahead. Stock it with snacks and water and comforts while driving and equipment for the activities you’ll have along the way.

The seventh thing to do as the driver of your car is to do your research and plan ahead. Buy a map, make advanced phone calls, get feedback and input from others. Plan your trip so it goes smoothly with less surprises.

The eight thing to do as the driver of your car is to make advanced purchases. This goes hand in hand with planning ahead: When you make a plan, pre-purchase things you know you will need in locations you expect to be. Make your journey a pleasant one. Give yourself 5 star customer service and take care of every detail you can.

The ninth thing to do as the driver of your car is to influence the world around you positively in the direction of your goals. Ask for things from the world: you will be surprised at how often you will get what you ask for. And you will not be surprised when you don’t get what you didn’t ask for.

The tenth and final thing to do as the driver of your car is to control the attitude, personality, values, integrity, tone, and atmosphere of your environment. Be calm. You are in a car, it’s safe in here. The world is out there. You can’t always control the external world, but the inside of the car is yours to take control of. Take control of it.