Category Archives: Identity

Nature of Your Own Identity

Identity, Life Education

Identity is complicated.  It is influenced by many factors, here are a few:

  • Your past, present, and future.  The important take away from this is to recognize that who you are today is who you are in the present: don’t let an identity from your past linger in your present reality, and don’t mistake your future potential for your present reality.
  • Reality and imagination.  There’s who you really are, and who you think you are or want to be.  Be honest with yourself about this so that details are clear instead of confusing.
  • Actions and Intentions.  There’s the interpretation of your actions (you pushed Bob), and the intention behind said action (to save him from being hit by a rock).   Are you what you do, or what you intend to do?  This leads us to
  • Judgment, perception, and impression.  Everyone judges differently, and the kind of judgment varies by context.  In a math class, you’re judged on math ability; in basketball, you’re judged in basketball ability.  Pushing Bob from a legal perception may be judged as Physical Abuse, but the impression given to Bob’s parent’s may be that it was a heroic action.  However, if change the story to say that Bob is pushed into a wall, then questions are raised about whether you were trying to save Bob from being hit by the rock or whether you were trying to harm him with the wall.  This example is given to illustrate how complicated actions can get, how difficult judging the truth can be, and how different the conclusions drawn can be depending on perception and impression.  
    • Three tools used to navigate judgment and identity are Statistics, Timescale, and Context.  Statistics is used to measure how likely an event is: If you are kind to Bob 99/100 times, then you were probably trying to help him.  If you are unkind to Bob 99/100 times, then you were probably trying to harm him.  Timescale comes in to describe the data set used for your statistics.  If I see you being unkind to Bob 99/100 times while you’re 7 years old, not see you for 60 years, and then see you being kind to Bob 2/2 times when you’re 67 years old, I can presume that even though the statistics show you’re more often unkind than kind to Bob, you have probably changed identities from mean to nice to Bob.  Or I can say that because the 99 instances of you being unkind to Bob was spread out over 60 years, your kindness at age 67 was probably the exception to the rule.  Context is used to bring understanding into the picture: I can understand that a 7 year old has maturity than a 67 year old, so I can understand the difference in behavior and perceived identity, and realize that the unkindness was just a phase.
  • Age.  As shown in the Bob example above, a person can change from harmful to kind.  In fact, nearly all aspects of a person change with age: physical, emotional, mental, spiritual, material possessions, abilities, etc..  As such, no-one’s identity is constant: if you think you know someone today, unless you keep up with them, you probably know them less well a few years later.  However, for some people, there are core aspects of them that don’t change–that’s the first indicator of who that person is: what identity do they preserve and keep constant, whether voluntarily or involuntarily.
  • External details and Internal details.  External details may change–body will change with age.  Not all external details change–if someone is a passionate collector of Pokemon cards, certain aspects of the collection will never change.  Internal details may change–someone can go from having a great memory for Sports Teams, to having difficulty remembering what game is on TV.  Not all internal details change–someone will always enjoy watching sports, even as the memory fades.
  • Experiences. You can learn about who you are by placing yourself in new surroundings and seeing how you respond–since it is a new surrounding, there is no default response to hide behind, so you are bound to reveal who you are deep down. Furthermore, as you experience different ranges of things, you’ll find the range you are comfortable with, and where you draw those lines are where you find who you are.  How you compromise also reflects who you are.
    • Whatever we experience, social skills and cultural awareness guide us to “act” in ways that are “appropriate” for the situation.  On one hand, “When in Rome, do as Romans do” will allow you to gain the full experience if you’re trying to embrace local culture, but on the other hand, there is a lack of authenticity in such an act if it is not a reflection of who you truly are.  Genuineness comes when we tone down the characters and polite manners we have, and speak heart to heart about the core values and beliefs that make up who we are.

Who am I?

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Identity and Conversation Manipulation

Conversation, Identity, Thoughts On Life

I was recently asked about rivalry between Berkeley and Stanford.  The question was: are Berkeley students passionate about school pride.  Followed by, are you passionate about school pride.

Now there’s two answers to this question that jumped into my brain, and here’s how I worked through them:

Answer with the Truth: there are people who care about the rivalry, and there are people who don’t care.  I am someone who doesn’t care.  Conversation ends.

Answer with a Lie: Very passionate.  Of course I care, *Make conversation interesting by over-exaggerating school pride*

I answered with the truth, because the context of the question was “Stanford students are cool as a cucumber, whereas Berkeley students are dumb for spending frivolous energy on trivial pursuits,” and if I made the conversation interesting, I would attach to my identity the accusation that I am someone who frivolously pursue trivial things like over-exaggerating school pride.

I remain convinced that, for this particular instance, I made the right decision.  However, I cannot help but be bothered by the loss of potential for fun, because the rest of the conversation was not as engaging or fun as it could have been if we played around with school pride.

Thoughts?

The hypocrisy within this whole situation is that everyone spends frivolous energy on trivial pursuits sometimes: that’s what having fun is.  All work and no play is not the way to go.  As such, why hide the “truth,” which is that I am someone who frivolously pursues trivial things, sometimes?  From what I know about human nature, and perception, and how people for identities of others, I know that the imprint of this interaction on overall identity will take more work to erode than if I wait for another opportunity to demonstrate fun.  At the same time, I suppose it is fair to look at it from the alternative point of view, which is that I am strongly signaling that I am no fun.  Seems like a lose lose situation.

Understanding Your Body Image

Identity, Social Skills

People who focus on looks are often accused of being vain and shallow.  However, the wrong conclusion to draw from that is that you shouldn’t focus on looks because it makes you superficial: that’s not the whole story.  The full picture requires context (if a TV Show is looking for an actor with a certain look to play a part, it’s not shallow as much as trying to tell a story properly) and balance: If you focus on looks to the exclusion of all else, then you are imbalanced and more shallow than not, but if you use it as one of many possible metrics for judgment, then you remain balanced (A Time and Place for Judgement).  If you ignore it completely, that’s also an imbalance that isn’t good.

Taking care of your body image is tremendously important, because it influences how people treat you: whether you like the fact or not, it is still a fact that good looking people get treated better and have more advantages than less good looking people.  One example is of respect: it’s easier to command respect if you are well dressed than if you look sloppy and unkept.  You will lose a lot of time convincing people you are neat and organized that way; it is much more efficient to just show them you are–the communication is faster and more concrete and believable.  Research has also shown that psychologically, we make more positive assumptions about good looking people than not good looking people; if you make a mistake, we’ll forgive you quicker if you’re good looking than if you’re not.  If you don’t want to miss out on advantages in life, you should put some time and effort into your body image.

Some people use body image as a form of rebellion.  This is fine, I just want to say that silent rebellion is definitely the wrong way to do it: if you chose to look like something for a specific reason, nobody will know that reason unless you explain because no-one can read your mind.  If you don’t explain yourself, you are more likely going to disadvantage yourself in life, than succeed in making a protest or stand for something. (Manage Your Rebellion Intelligently)

You should also realize that body image is another form of identity (explained in Who Am I?), which means that what you think of your body is different from what each person you meet thinks of your body image.  Some will think you’re fat, others skinny, others normal.  You decide who to believe–no-one is objectively right or wrong, it’s a subjective opinion. You will also never be good looking to everyone, so don’t worry about it (in fact, it’s bad for dating if everyone thinks you’re cute: read the OK Cupid Study). Psychologically, who you think you are is heavily tied to who you were in your childhood, because that’s when you were forming your identity in the world: you can break free from that identity if you want, there’s no need to be trapped in the past.  You are constantly changing and you can guide that change if you want to.

An example of this is my story: I grew up poor and skinny from lack of food, so I never thought about or worried about being  overweight, because I figured I was underweight if anything.  However, life improved, I bought new clothes, then after a few years, I started exercising, and now none of my clothes fit–they are all two sizes too big.  This means my body image must have increased from skinny to normal, at least from the point of view to other people, but I personally never noticed.  Therefore, your body image identity to yourself really comes from within, not from what other people think or say, and what other people say only affect you if you let it–when people said I was loosing weight after I started exercising, I didn’t believe them because I didn’t think I could lose any more, but doctor’s records prove that I did.

Extra reading

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