Category Archives: Relationships

Healthy Arguments Over Trust

Dating

In a relationship fight, once trust is lost, the details don’t matter because if you don’t trust the other person than nothing they say or do will be able to restore your trust.  So it’s important to recognize when you’re in a fight where the real reason for the fight is that you lost trust in each other. Then stop focusing on the details of the fight and figure out how to regain trust. 

In general, if your fight lasts longer than 30 minutes, take a break. Most things can be explained in 1-5 minutes, so if you both speak twice and ask follow questions, you should finish in under 20 minutes. The fact that your argument reached 30 minutes means you’re not hearing each other, so take a break and try again when you can hear each other.

When you do resume your fight after a break, it’s good to reset the conversation by describing the outcome you want and the good faith you are putting in. For example, you start by saying: the goal is to find a path forward we can both choose freely, independently, and willingly to happily take together. We do or do not trust each other to have good intentions. We do or do not trust each other period.

If the answer to trust is no, then don’t even start the argument. Work on the trust first.

To work on the trust (this advice also works for the argument itself) do the following:

  1. Reach an understanding of how the trust was lost. Tell the story of how the trust was lost. Start telling the story by describing what details were observed, and then describe what assumptions were made, and finally describe what conclusions were reached. The other person should listen only to understand, not to argue or disagree with the logic. Accept it as how the other person thinks and sees the world.
  2. Reach an agreement on what can be done to restore the trust. What actions or knowledge can be provided to restore trust.
  3. Work together to achieve what you agree on
  4. Repeat

Remember to Heal Yourself

Life Advice, Relationships, Thoughts On Life

When you are hurt, it’s easy to hurt others because you are too focused on yourself to notice what you are doing to the people around you.  

Heal yourself. It’s not only good for you, it’s good for the people around you.

For me, I always like to put other people ahead of myself, and this is a consistent problem for me because it means I don’t take good care of myself. When I don’t take good care of myself I become unhealthy physically, mentally, and emotionally, and this causes me to be unperceptive and unresponsive, which is not pleasant for those around me. So if you are like me and you like to prioritize other people, realize now together with me that in order to treat others well, you must be healthy. So you must take care of yourself first in order to achieve your goal of helping others.

Healing yourself and taking care of yourself should be the #1 priority, always.

Choose Carefully Who You Share Your Story With

Life Advice, Life Lessons, Life Skills, Relationships

I want to be understood, so I try to build genuine authentic relationships based on the full truth of my life. Doing so has gotten me deeply hurt because I opened myself up. I’ve learned to be selective with who I share my full truth with, and I advise you do the same.

After many years, I’ve learned some people consistently respond nicely, some people respond based on the mood they are in, and some people always respond rudely. Some people can be trusted with the information, and some people will use that information to hurt you with it.

To protect yourself, don’t share your inner most stories with people who don’t deserve to hear it.  When I tell it to the wrong person and they invalidate me and criticize and attack me and take the other side, it hurts me deeply and causes me much mental and emotional anguish which I can avoid by not telling them the story.  Keep track of how they have responded in the past and if they consistently hurt you, do not reach out to them again.

Choosing the right person to open up to is especially important in a time of need. Don’t set yourself up for failure and pain by trusting the wrong person at the wrong time. Learn to protect yourself and keep your story to yourself. Accept the world as it is and act accordingly. 

I used to want to believe that the world was a safe place. I used to want to believe that people were good. I used to want to believe that I could make the world a good and safe place by acting as if it was. I realize now that is living in denial and causing me self-harm. The facts and data show the world is not safe and there are people who are not good, so to ignore this is to live in denial. Living in denial, opening up myself to people who are hurtful to me just harms myself, and self harm is not good.

In conclusion: be selective in who you open up to. Find the good people over time and hold onto them.