Category Archives: Social Skills

Why am I Funny with Friends but Not with Others

Comedy, Conversation

Comedy 101: A joke consists of a set up, and a punchline.  Without a set up, the punchline means nothing: it’s just a set of words.  If I think it’s normal for people to walk into stop signs, I won’t think a video of it is funny–it’s only funny because I have the context that it’s not common, that it can be funny (and that my empathy for the person doesn’t over power my willingness to laugh).

The identity of the performer matters as well.  People you just met or are just getting to know better, don’t know who you are.  They don’t have the full context, the full set up, for your jokes: that’s why your jokes might not make sense and why your audience may not laugh.  This is also why you often aren’t able to make people laugh by just copying what you think is the comedian’s verbal set up lines, because what you don’t realize is that implicit within every joke is a play off the joke teller’s identity. If the person who walks into the stop sign is Kramer from Seinfeld, who is known for being clumsy, it’s very funny because it fits his personality.  If the person is your boss, teacher, parent who you typically think of as in control and important, it may be so unexpected that you find it shocking and concerning instead of funny, or you may be afraid to laugh for fear of offense.  If you’re at a comedy club, you’ll be more confident about laughing because you know it’s a joke; if you’re at a dinner party or an event with people you don’t know well, you won’t know if what they’re saying is a joke or not.  You’ll be more reserved about laughing because you don’t want to be disrespectful in case they were serious.  Hence why it’s harder to make jokes with strangers.  Even if it’s with friends, if you don’t normally make jokes, and you don’t prepare them for it, they may not realize that you’re joking.

Finally, not everyone finds the same things funny: it might be that this group doesn’t appreciate a certain kind of joke that another group would–if a joke falls flat, look on the bright side: you’ve learned something about this group of people, which will help you to get along with them better in the future.

To improve at comedy with strangers, understand your joke better, so you can explicitly set up the context with words.  However, I would advise getting to know each other better before you start making deep jokes: start with lighter ones that people from more backgrounds will appreciate, and that don’t require too much context or set up.  In particular, avoid risky jokes like self-deprecation or obscenity early on.
Friends know who you are not going to judge you based on what you say when you make a joke, because they know the real you is not the temporary character you pretend to be when you make that joke.   (See my post on How to Make Friends.  You should avoid risky jokes like self-deprecating humor or obscene insults until step 4 of friendship, after they’ve gotten to know you with step 2 and 3, otherwise they’ll get to know you as someone who is not that great, and insulting.)

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Conversation Secrets: Sustaining Conversation

Conversation

To introduce a new topic, or change the direction of the conversation, remember all question words: Who What When Where Why How etc.  Then combine said question words with any noun or verb you can think of into a logical or illogical sentence.  Be a monkey with a dictionary.  Then filter out the ones you think of and pick the best question for the situation.

To stay on topic without having anything more to say about it, simply elaborate on whatever you’re saying by stating the obvious if it hasn’t yet been said.  Everyone’s mind holds a different context, and stating something explicitly does several good things: it brings everyone onto the same page, it keeps everyone relaxed since there’s no awkward silence, it gives people more time to think about what to say next, and it can trigger mental associations that move the conversation forward.

Storytelling is the best form of communication and socializing, so try to speak in terms of stories (see the movie Lincoln).  Stories are good because it sends a message with an example, and it’s entertaining.  Focus on recreating the scene, rather than just progressing the plot, and emphasize descriptions related to emotion.   Tell the same story multiple times to multiple people–you will refine both the story and your storytelling skills that way.

How to Ask Questions without Questions

Questions to Deepen the Conversation

What do you like to do in your free time? What do you like? What do you care about? What did you do recently [that was fun]?

How long have you ___?  or I have been ___ for ___.

Where [did you/have you] ___?  or  I ___ in ___.

What has happened in the news lately? Global, Domestic, Regional, Local?  What has happened to you or your mutual friends in the last few days, yesterday, today? What happened earlier–no matter how dull or boring, it is something to talk about: say what you did.  Try to describe it more and expand on every detail

Expand on every detail.  Nouns and verbs, expand with adjectives or expressions like similes.

A Time and Place for Business vs. Personal

Context, Social Skills

When you’re growing up, life is about balancing work and play.  When you’re an adult, that balance is called business and personal.

Business is about competition, and winning, because winning is good for business.  Business is about money.

Personal is about having fun, because fun contributes to happiness and relieves stress.  Personal is about time, hence “personal time.”

Mixing or mistaking one for the other causes problems.  A friend who refuses to lend you money isn’t a bad friend: lending money is a business transaction, not a test of friendship.  Trust is a test of friendship, but you can not count on it in the business world: if a lawyer can screw you for it, prepare to be screwed.  Furthermore, one-upmanship and cutthroat competition belongs in business, not in personal.  Someone who criticizes and critiques all contacts is not fun to hang out with, but is exactly who you want if you’re trying to improve.  Also, taking a social game too seriously can ruin the fun, but taking a competitive game too causally can also ruin the fun.

In social situations, the line between when it’s business and when it’s personal is not only fine, but constantly moving.  A general good rule of thumb is to pay attention to body language and measure how receptive they are to what you’re doing, and listen for signals either to continue or stop.

In Personal, effort is awarded.  In Business, results are awarded.  Be careful not to judge people in your personal life with results.

More Social Skills Resources

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