Focus on the Present, then on your Future, then on your Past.
If you focus on the Future or your Past first, you will mess up your Present and your Future. Get to a safe healthy place first. Always your step one.
If you focus on your Past before your Future, then you may go on the wrong path and have to spend time later to backtrack yourself. Make sure you’re headed in the right direction first, before making your experience better by processing your past.
Present -> Future -> Past
I have received terrible advice from loved ones who mean well. They want me to succeed, they want what’s best for me, and I trust and believe that they love me, but their advice was terrible and led me to great harm. Just because someone loves you, doesn’t make what they say correct or intelligent.
I am a fairly lonely person, and so whenever I get someone sharing advice or concern, I feel warm and fuzzy and loved and happy and cared for, and I want that feeling to continue. So I’ll do anything for the person who gives me those feelings. This is a mistake.
Do not let the feelings of companionship and care and acceptance blind you from the truth. If they are telling you to do something that you know will not be good for you, don’t do it. If they mean well and they want what’s best for you, don’t trust their advice blindly. Double check everything yourself and don’t do anything you can tell will not be good for you.
Why does this happen? Because people are imperfect, and the world is imperfect. They might not know everything, and that’s normal. That doesn’t mean they don’t love or care, it just means you are taking responsibility for your own life. Disagree when you disagree.
In a healthy relationship, you will be allowed to disagree and they will still accept you. In an unhealthy relationship, they will emotionally blackmail you into listening to them with their love and care. Do not be blind to this. If they only care about you when you obey them, they don’t actually care about you. They only care about their control over you and their ego and self worth in being better than you.
Live your life. Life is not meant to be perfect. Mistakes are a part of life. Embrace and accept the mistakes, and find people who will embrace and accept the mistakes with you.
Love Type A = when you are going to make a mistake, they take over your life and they make you avoid the mistake.
Love Type B = when you are going to make a mistake, they warn you gently and they let you make it still if that’s what you want.
I am reminded of my Situational Leadership class. Which love type to use depends on the situation. If someone is going to walk into an incoming train, Love Type A and prevent serious injury. If someone is getting 2% milk instead of fat free milk, Love Type B.
How someone lives their life. There’s not serious injury per see, but there’s implied lifestyle injury in that someone is not living their life as good as they could in your eyes. Here, respect and Western Culture would say Love Type B; love and Eastern Culture would say Love Type A. Figure out which one the recipient is, and act according to the recipient, not according to the giver.
Is a gift a gift because the giver decides it’s a gift, or because the receiver decides it’s a gift? I can say the most effective gift is when the receiver decides it’s a gift, because then the receiver benefits. The most selfish gift is when the giver decides it’s a gift, because the giver benefits regardless of the impact on the receiver. Be careful of selfish givers, especially when they are people who do love and care for you and want the best for you. If their actions are selfish, if they feel good about their gift regardless of the outcome of whether it helped you or not, then think twice before taking their gift.
Do not blindly accept love, and do not blindly obey love.