Emotionally Intelligent Communication

The following is quoted from https://www.reddit.com/r/LifeProTips/comments/kf6k23/lpt_many_problems_in_marriage_are_really_just/?sort=top

elizacandle794 points·8 hours ago·edited 1 hour agoHelpful (Pro)Gold3ThisRocket Like4& 15 More

Anyone trying to learn emotional communication read below.

In order to have a fulfilling life and fulfilling connected relationships you have to work on your emotional side. You cannot have passion for life or anything if you’re emotions are suppressed and hidden away. This can lead to depression and is often a symptom of emotional neglect…what is emotional neglect?

A majority of parents just want what’s best for their children, but some are abusive and neglectful in many more ways in addition to emotional neglect.

It is invisible and thus often overlooked in favor of treating physical abuse /neglect (understandably so).

I won’t focus on this kind of abuse in this post because there’s plenty of literature and understanding on trauma

It is  certainly present in abusive homes but also can be present in homes where everything looks good.

For example parents are financially well-off, nice home, provide great nutrition, the best clothes, the best academic education, and the best head start financially, never spanked, hit, or witnessed domestic violence… So it’s easy to assume people brought up like that had a “perfect” life.

However it is quite common that parents (whether with bad intentions or good intentions) are ill equipped to handle and support their child emotionally. 

CPS won’t spot these issues and can’t really do anything about it because there’s no physical scars or malnutrition to document.Examples of Emotional neglect

  • Told to stay out of sight when you’re upset /crying
  • Rarely hugged /cuddled.
  • Told you we’re too emotional/dramatic.
  • Always cheered up with money (new toy, new clothes etc)
  • Told as a child that your problems didn’t matter because your parent had SO much more going on than you.
  • Being punished for having emotional reactions. (Your favorite toy broke /got lost, you’re sad, parents tell you to stop crying or you’ll get a time out etc)
  • If you weren’t happy and all smiles your parents would not want you around. There’s many more examples but this really gives you a good idea. These things might seem trivial or ‘not a big deal’ and isolated occurrences aren’t a big deal.

However, if this is how you’re brought up… Day in day out as a child over time you’re taught that your emotions are to be suppressed, hidden. You’re taught that you’re emotions make you unreasonable and wrong. Slowly self esteem is chipped away and you might only feel proud when you get that new promotion or when you buy a new house. But the feeling doesn’t last.Symptoms of Emotional neglect

  • Low self confidence
  • sometimes a seemingly little thing can set your anger off
  • when something bothers you, you don’t say anything you’d rather avoid uncomfortable situations
  • depression
  • anxiety
  • afraid that if you open up people will leave you.
  • poor ability to maintain or develop habits
  • you often work until you burn out
  • you have difficulty resting, being kind to yourself And more.

Needing nurture, emotional support and unconditional love is part of being human and if that eas missing it affects you deeply.

Fortunately, you can heal from this. You can learn how to open up and pick up healthy habits. You can feel fulfilled and at peace with who you are. You can be happy.

This won’t solve all your problems but recovering from this will make your financial problems, relationship problems, etc feel like you can tackle them without burning out.Here’s a few resources that might help you.

Amazing books that really help dig deep, gives you easy do’s and don’ts for developing healthy coping skills, healthy habits. Etc. Really worth the read. The reason I HIGHLY recommend these is because they focus on emotional neglect which is often (and understandably) overlooked in favor of more visible issues such as physical /emotional abuse. However emotional neglect can be just as harmful as any other form of abuse and Dr. Webb Really helps you understand how to improve your emotional health and heal from your past.

Pete is a “general practitioner” who specializes in helping adults recovering from growing up in traumatizing families, especially those whose repeated exposure to childhood abuse and/or neglect left them with symptoms of Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder [Cptsd]. He has a great deal of recovery from his own Cptsd, and his professional approach is highly enriched by his own 40 year journey of recovering. 

The book demonstrates compellingly why self-esteem is basic to psychological health, achievement, personal happiness, and positive relationships.  Branden introduces the six pillars—six action-based practices for daily living that provide the foundation for self-esteem—and explores the central importance of self-esteem in five areas: the workplace, parenting, education, psychotherapy, and the culture at large.  

For Relationships

This amazing little app is available for free on Apple and Google. While it is aimed at people who are parenting and in a relationship the facts and guides it shares are extremely useful in helping you build stronger relationships and emotional bonds with those around you. It has short videos and is easy to use just a few minutes a day. 

You love each other, right? So why does it feel like you’re not on the same page? The most common issue in any relationship is the communication barrier. Everyone experiences love differently, and it’s easy to miss the mark when it comes to showing that you care. With a little help from The 5 Love Languages®, you can learn to identify the root of your conflicts, give and receive love in more meaningful ways, and grow closer than ever. Your Love Language profile will explain your primary love language, what it means, and how you can use it to connect to others.

–  Not ‘Just Friends’ by Shirley glass Not only useful for after an affair but a great guide on how to build a stronger relationship between you and your partner so that you can prevent infidelity and increase true intimacy.Therapy

All lf these are a good supplement (or prelude) but not a replacement for therapy. Whenever you’re ready and able to get therapy, get therapy. A good therapist can really give you personalized guidance.

Don’t be afraid to shop around for the right fit. If you’re having trouble finding the right therapist learning some vocabulary /what issues apply to you- so you can advocate for yourself more effectively with your therapist/when finding other resources.Use Your library and get em free!

Most of these are available via The Libby App By Overdrive let’s you use your library card to check out e-books and audio books! FREE!

You can listen/read on your phone or use the Kindle (app or e reader) to download them there. Very useful and handy!

Also used older generation kindles with the e ink displays are available relatively cheap online- I got mine for around $40 bucks!Things to remember on your journey of self growth

  • Progress isn’t linear
  • Mistakes are normal and they do NOT erase your progress.
  • Be gentle with yourself, you cannot shame your way into improving
  • Don’t try to change every single thing at once. True lasting change is done incrementally over time.
  • Take breaks- and give yourself time to process!
  • Naming your emotions gives you power over them
  • Self Care is a must! It comes in many forms and what works for me may not work for you! Exploration is key.
  • Someone else’s abusive/neglectful behavior does not reflect your worth or value.

YOU CAN DO THISBreak The Cycle

If you’re interested, Please join my community r/HealfromYourPast its new but i hope to create a space of healing and support.

Life Threatening Trauma – Thestral

I’ve always wondered why I am different psychologically from so many of my peers. Why do I see more than they do? Why do I feel more than they do? Why do I react more than they do? Now I know why: it’s because I’ve been through a deeper degree of life threatening experiences than they have, if they have been through any at all.

People who have gone through life threatening experiences see the world differently from people who haven’t. So this creates 3 kinds of relationships.

Let’s call the two groups PTSD and non-PTSD.

Two people who are Non-PTSD can become friends who understand each other

Two people who are PTSD can become friends who understand each other

A PTSD person and a Non-PTSD person can never truly understand each other until that Non-PTSD person converts to a PTSD person, or puts in the work and effort to study and imagine and empathize with what PTSD is.

If you are a PTSD person who has trouble connecting with Non-PTSD people, I want you to know 1. you are not alone and 2. they don’t understand you. Rather than have them try to understand you, point them to understand what PTSD is, and then have them understand you and empathize with you through that lens.

This article from Psychology Today describes 3 kinds of Trauma.

  1. Life Threatening Trauma (you or someone you love)
  2. Beyond Everyday Trauma (abuse)
  3. Everyday Trauma (stress)

If someone has never been in a brutal car accident, then getting into a car doesn’t trigger fear like someone who knows the trauma that can occur from getting into a car.

If someone has never seen how the careless negligence of something insignificant like accidentally bumping into someone in the grocery store can result in a mentally unstable person being tipped over the edge and massacring people, they might not look around before backing up in a public area.

If someone has never seen how a smile and a trusting face can be used to scam and extort and ruin families, they might not feel fear when they meet someone pleasant to be around.

Harry Potter had it right with the Thestrals: some things, only people who have seen death know.

So the question now is: How do I as a person who has seen death interact with and live with and socialize with other people who literally do not see what I see, and consider what I see to be imaginary? How do I maintain my reputation as a sane person when only other people who have experienced death will know I’m sane? How do I maintain popularity if most people don’t understand what I’m saying because they don’t see what I see because they haven’t had a life threatening experience?

Should live threatening experiences be part of the education system? It certainly is a significant mark of maturity, and a necessary experience for maturity, and yet

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/trauma-queen/201703/what-does-it-mean-be-traumatized

https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/trauma

Don’t Expect People to Live Up to Your Expectations

I have a tendency to ‘expect’ things from people in positions of power, or ‘expect’ things from people who are responsible for things based on their role.  For example: Expecting my mom to be a good mom. Expecting my manager to be a good manager. Expecting my iPhone help technician to be competent.  

When I talked to my iPhone help in 2019, I could tell immediately that she had little knowledge and was blindly following the book and was not going to be willing or able to help me and I could already sense a bias and negative attitude and energy from her.  

In the face of this negative energy, I became subservient and tried to earn and win her approval and I let her make me feel like I had low self esteem and low self worth and I believed that I deserved to be treated poorly and I begged for better treatment. NO. NO. NO. NEVER AGAIN react this way. If someone disrespects me and tries to break my frame, I SHOULD NOT THINK LOWER OF MYSELF and let this stranger who doesn’t know me dictate my perception of myself.  I know who I am and I know what I’m worth. This person doesn’t.  

I used to think 1. this is a malicious intent from the other person so I need to be in fear or 2. this is a consequence of an unfair worth that isn’t worth living in so I need to be in depression.  Now I want to focus and STAY in 3. this is an imperfect world where people make mistakes and I just need to stay SMART, keep my WITS about me, and INTELLIGENTLY NAVIGATE my way through this world with all its faults and issues and problems.  

I can do number 3 now because I accept that meeting someone who misses my expectations is now an ACCEPTABLE outcome, instead of fighting that reality with denial and rage and bargaining. I accept these terms, world. For the first time, I no longer expect or demand the world to make sense, to be fair, to live up to expectations. Take what I can get, react to what I see, stay conscious of my identity.