Thoughts on Trust

Trust of Corporate Entities is made up of 3 things: Empathy, Logic, and Authenticity. If your Manager/Leader gives you those 3, then you’re more likely to trust them

https://www.ted.com/talks/frances_frei_how_to_build_and_rebuild_trust

Trust of strangers through a website (Uber/Airbnb/BlaBlaCar) is made up of 3 things: Trust the Idea, Trust the Platform, Trust the Other User

https://www.ted.com/talks/rachel_botsman_we_ve_stopped_trusting_institutions_and_started_trusting_strangers

Trust over time: Community Accountability -> Systems of Authority (Legal/Government/Institutions/Church) -> Distributed Systems of Trust (Airbnb, BlaBlaCar, Uber)

 

Personally, to me, in order to trust a system like government, capitalism, education, etc., I need to be taught enough of it that I approve and accept how it works and why.  Example: I hated league of legends ranking because I thought it was flawed and the system was not reflective of my skill because teammates bad, etc.  But then I was convinced of the system, and experienced the ranking system working correctly when viewed over long periods of time, and then I realized that I can accept the system, and that I had enough tools and skills to assess my performance and learn and improve and see that work pay off. Then I became much more willing to invest in the system.

This principle to me is true for capitalism as well.  Before I understood capitalism, I hated it and believed it was the cause and source of all my suffering as a poor person.  Now I understand it’s use and what it’s good at, so I can understand why it exists despite the fact that it did and does and will continue to cause pain and suffering to those it wasn’t designed to serve.  Now I can participate knowing that it’s not a flawed system, it’s just a limited system.  The analogy is: The butter knife is used to put butter on bread, not to cut through tough steak.  If you try to misuse the butter knife you will have a hard time.  The steak knife is used to cut through tough steak, but if you try to use it to spread butter you’ll have a hard time. Capitalism was designed for use by the rich. It was not designed for the poor. Using capitalism on the poor is like using the wrong knife for the wrong purpose.  It doesn’t mean the knife is bad, it just means the use case and application is wrong.

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Recent Thoughts

Parents/childhood may have overly punished you for certain behaviors and thus given you an inaccurate impression of how important those behaviors were.  Learn to overcome your childhood limitations.
At the same time, you will learn that some of those punishments are very valid, because the reality is even worse than the punishment your parents gave for breaking those rules.

There is a safety in having rules and regulations, they bring consistency into your life.  If you want to test rules, do them one or a few at a time.  Uprooting too much at a time generally results in chaos. There is a time and place for chaos, just make sure you know what you’re getting into ahead of time when you decide to uproot too much at a time.

Life is too short to be forcing yourself to feel bad about things. And it’s too short to be wasting time on what is working against you. For example, to join a group (school/club/company/etc) that doesn’t want you there. Unless you really know it’s what you really want, don’t waste time trying to win over people who don’t want you there. Invest in the people who do want you there. They will build you up emotionally and then you can use that to get to where you want to go.

Others view life as money because money can solve problems. I view life as skills because skills can solve problems and skills won’t leave you like money will.  The skill of catching a fish will generate a monetary value every time you go fishing. But the skill of buying a fish will cost you a monetary value every time you buy a fish.  Skills are an infinitely replenishing asset, while purchases are a one time depreciating asset.  (investments excluded)

who is right? Someone who uses money to solve problems, or me, someone who learns and gains skills.  The scalability of a single person’s skills is significantly capped compared to the scalability of an economic system with a financial system.  There’s no right or wrong…it’s just…different. I think it’s smarter to solve myself, others think it’s smarter to hire a professional.  There’s more to this but I won’t dive into it in this post.

Advice on calming down: http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2015/10/how-to-get-rid-of-anger/

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To Provide Effective Care, Seek to Understand First Part 1

If you have someone you care about who is going through a difficult time and you don’t know how to help, this is the post for you. I’ll start with a quick guide on how to interact with them effectively, then dive into examples of what not to do in order to illustrate common mistakes people make when trying to help others.

Emotions -> Mental -> Physical -> Heart/Spiritual.  Help in that order (if they’re going to live. If you’re watching them die, Heart/Spiritual only).  This post is about how to help specifically Emotions.

Be Present with them. First is to meet them where they are, not where you are. Set aside your own thoughts and emotions and sync with them by taking on their thoughts and emotions using mirroring and empathy and understanding. The key here is to let them create the reality, and let them let you join the reality that they are in. Listen and follow.  Don’t contradict, don’t impose your reality on them. If you’re here to help them, you don’t matter. They do. Let them dictate. Let them live their way. Let them breathe without you cutting them off.

Gain their trust, use that trust to help them. After you’ve shown respect for what they’re going through by listening to and hearing their emotions and feelings and world view at that time, you can begin guiding them out. The key here is that you can only guide with details that are true for their reality.  Here word choice is very critical because a misuse in diction can lead to them spiraling out of control.  This concept is best illustrated with examples.

Let’s say they are very tense and you notice their left hand tightly gripping their right arm.

Don’t say: relax.    Because this statement is way to vague and does not adequately communicate your intention at all
Don’t say: stop that.    Because not only is this statement vague, but it is you asserting authority and control over the other person, rather than respecting them as someone who can make their own decisions.
Don’t say: be kinder to yourself.    Because not only is this statement vague, it’s judgmental and accusational: between the lines is “what’s wrong with you.”
Don’t say: what’s wrong with you?    Because this is blatantly confrontational and puts them on the defensive. You are launching an attack declaring that the other person is wrong, and asking them to defend themselves against you.

Say: Can I say something I’m noticing?   Because this is asking them permission to do something. It shows respect and keeps them in control of the situation, which is what you want to be the case. Don’t take the power from them when they are in a weak state. That’s bullying.

If they say no, don’t say it. If they say yes, then you can say: I notice that your left hand is gripping your right arm.   Because this is a NON JUDGMENTAL way to provide them with information.  DO NOT PROVIDE THE SOLUTION because then you take away their power to think for themselves.

Depending on how they respond, you can either agree with them or disagree. If you disagree, do it this way.  Say: Can I tell you what I think?     For everything that you’re about to do, clearly state what it is you’re going to do, and ask for permission.  Allow them to maintain control. If they don’t want to hear it, don’t tell them.  Respect their right to control their world.  Do not impose yourself through force power abuse inconsiderateness, etc.

If they give you permission, say: I want to help you feel better. I would imagine gripping your right arm that tightly with your left hand would be painful and exhausting. However, does it make you feel better to do that?   The KEY structure in the communication here is 1. intent (I want to help you feel better) that is selfless (A selfish intent would be: I’m stressed out looking at your tight grip, can you stop it.  Don’t make it about yourself, prioritize the person you’re trying to help).  2. You explain YOUR point of view using language that clearly emphasizes that you are describing your point of view. This is critical. Never under any circumstance describe their reality on their behalf. That is taking away their power, that is disrespectful, that is fundamentally wrong. You are not them. Do not describe them. Describe you, let them describe them.  3. Ask for their point of view. Concede that they may have a rational reason for behaving that way. Don’t use a backhanded statement to be judgmental (“I’d never do that” would be a judgmental arrogant statement that evokes a “looking down at the other person” feeling that is not helpful).  Accept them for who they are at the moment.

Accept. Ask for Permission. Aid them not yourself.

Part 2 to come later

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