Accept Yourself, Accept Others, Find Balance – How to Achieve Healthy Relationships

From my post What are Relationships? we know that a relationship is the shared reality that is created when two independent entities interact and influence each other.  With this philosophical basis as our ground, we can now derive some corollaries

Two independent entities interact in a relationship.  What this means is that if I want to be in a relationship with you, I need to be separate from you.  If I try to please you and end up trying to win you over by doing everything you like and therefore becoming you–melding my identity into a dependent identity–then I am no longer independent and we cannot form a relationship.  This is a common relationship mistake people make.  I cannot have a relationship with myself.  My separate personalities can, but I as a summation of all my personalities cannot have a relationship with myself.  Therefore if you try to become the person you like, do not be surprised when they do not want to form a relationship with you: it’s impossible: you are them, there is nothing to form a relationship with.  At the same time I am unable to have a relationship with myself, I am already in a relationship with myself, and if you are most people you want relationships with other people and not with yourself: you already have it.

In order to achieve this you have to Accept Yourself.  Accept yourself for who you are, a separate independent identity of a person.  Whoever you happen to be: be OK with it in the sense that you acknowledge yourself as an independent identity with independent properties.  If you are unsatisfied with your properties you can work on self improvement (Part 1: Mindset and Logic) but you must accept that you are who you are.

In order to achieve this you also have to Accept Others.  If you are narcissistic and self centered and do not acknowledge the independent identities of other people as they are with independent properties, then you cannot form relationships with them.  This is the opposite of the above disorder: instead of trying to become the person you like, you try to turn their independent properties into properties that depend on you, basically trying to turn other people into versions of yourself.  It would be good to learn some Respect for others, perhaps that will help you accept their external existence. 

In a relationship, two independent entities influence each other.  Let’s prove this by contradiction.  Let’s say two independent entities are in a relationship but do not influence each other: I make my decisions in complete independence to Bob, someone I’ve never met on the other side of the world.  Bob also makes his decisions in complete independence to me, who he’s never met.  Our decisions may propagate and impact each other through the shared physical reality of Earth, but  only  through transitive relationships (I am related to Joe who knows Bob so if I impact Joe then through Joe I impact Bob).  There is no direct relationship and therefore no shared reality between me and Bob.  Without a shared reality, there is no relationship. Therefore, in a relationship, two independent entities influence each other.

In order to be in a relationship, you have to Achieve Balance between influencing the other person enough such that the relationship exists and influencing too much such that the other person’s identity becomes dependent on you.  The same statement applies to the person you are forming a relationship with.

Thus: Accept Yourself, Accept Others, Achieve Balance!

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