Caring is a hard thing to do. I struggle with caring, and when I can’t care then I don’t care. But at the end of the day, I want to care.

I find it hard to both care and let go. The more I care, the more I hold on, and the less I care, the less I hold on.

I think the strength of my grip is an expression of the strength of my care. I may have gotten this idea from tv shows, movies, and the concept of marriage where if you care enough you would fight to stay and hold on.

I think even the need for control comes from a place of desire and want and care. If you don’t care, you won’t want to control. But let’s not go too deep into the conversation on control and go back to care and letting go.

They say if you love it, let it go, and if it comes back to you then it was meant to be and if not it wasn’t. I think another way of saying this is to let go of all things. Let go of everything. Then, if something happens to be nearby that you like, enjoy it. If you can stay with something you like, do so. And if you can’t stay with something you like, let it go. Let it go as a default, rather than thinking of holding on as the default and the decision of letting go as an action. Make the decision of letting go the inaction. Then you can enjoy things while they are there, and let go with peace.

Being Alone on Valentine’s Day means You had the Strength to Say No to the Wrong Person – Solomon Wang

I recently had a terrible experience with an abusive and controlling and all around bad person. This person made my life miserable and I became progressively unhealthy and unhappy and negative.

It reached a point where I was unhappy all the time. As a result, I reached out to friends and family for empathy and support and I unloaded my burdens and stories of pain on them, all because of this one bad person.

I lost relationships I wanted to keep because they didn’t want my burdens or they didn’t know how to help me. I hurt people who didn’t deserve to be hurt by overwhelming them with stories of my pain and suffering when they were already struggling with their own. To the friends who left me suffering, I expressed my disappointment in them for failing to help me, and that made them feel unappreciated for the effort they put in to try and help.

All the energy I spent bringing negativity to the people who were good to me in my life, I should have used to seek out appropriate resources and defend myself against the person who deserved it: the bad person. Unfortunately at the time, I didn’t know the right thing to do. Now I do.

Here’s what I recommend you do when you are in pain:

• Do not expect anyone to help you. When you ask for help, prepare for them to say no and if they say no, accept it and move on.
• Do not expect non-professionals to know how to help you. I kept asking friends and family and acquaintances when I should have been seeking doctors and lawyers and police and abuse hotlines. Ask for help from people who are trained in the area that you need help in.

I unintentionally burned many bridges by asking the wrong people and having the wrong expectations. Avoid my mistakes.

Before you need them, identify your emergency contacts. Use them for help and contact them privately. I used the general public for help and that was a mistake. Strangers avoid danger. When you broadcast you are in danger to the general public, most people won’t rush to your side to help. In fact, they will do the opposite: they will avoid you while you are in danger, and they will keep in mind to avoid you in the future as well.

The next time something terrible and overwhelming happens to you, do this: Stay calm, protect yourself, walk away, and contact your emergency contacts for support and advice and strategies on what to do next.