Category Archives: Emotional Intelligence

To Provide Effective Care, Seek to Understand First Part 1

Emotional Intelligence

If you have someone you care about who is going through a difficult time and you don’t know how to help, this is the post for you. I’ll start with a quick guide on how to interact with them effectively, then dive into examples of what not to do in order to illustrate common mistakes people make when trying to help others.

Emotions -> Mental -> Physical -> Heart/Spiritual.  Help in that order (if they’re going to live. If you’re watching them die, Heart/Spiritual only).  This post is about how to help specifically Emotions.

Be Present with them. First is to meet them where they are, not where you are. Set aside your own thoughts and emotions and sync with them by taking on their thoughts and emotions using mirroring and empathy and understanding. The key here is to let them create the reality, and let them let you join the reality that they are in. Listen and follow.  Don’t contradict, don’t impose your reality on them. If you’re here to help them, you don’t matter. They do. Let them dictate. Let them live their way. Let them breathe without you cutting them off.

Gain their trust, use that trust to help them. After you’ve shown respect for what they’re going through by listening to and hearing their emotions and feelings and world view at that time, you can begin guiding them out. The key here is that you can only guide with details that are true for their reality.  Here word choice is very critical because a misuse in diction can lead to them spiraling out of control.  This concept is best illustrated with examples.

Let’s say they are very tense and you notice their left hand tightly gripping their right arm.

Don’t say: relax.    Because this statement is way to vague and does not adequately communicate your intention at all
Don’t say: stop that.    Because not only is this statement vague, but it is you asserting authority and control over the other person, rather than respecting them as someone who can make their own decisions.
Don’t say: be kinder to yourself.    Because not only is this statement vague, it’s judgmental and accusational: between the lines is “what’s wrong with you.”
Don’t say: what’s wrong with you?    Because this is blatantly confrontational and puts them on the defensive. You are launching an attack declaring that the other person is wrong, and asking them to defend themselves against you.

Say: Can I say something I’m noticing?   Because this is asking them permission to do something. It shows respect and keeps them in control of the situation, which is what you want to be the case. Don’t take the power from them when they are in a weak state. That’s bullying.

If they say no, don’t say it. If they say yes, then you can say: I notice that your left hand is gripping your right arm.   Because this is a NON JUDGMENTAL way to provide them with information.  DO NOT PROVIDE THE SOLUTION because then you take away their power to think for themselves.

Depending on how they respond, you can either agree with them or disagree. If you disagree, do it this way.  Say: Can I tell you what I think?     For everything that you’re about to do, clearly state what it is you’re going to do, and ask for permission.  Allow them to maintain control. If they don’t want to hear it, don’t tell them.  Respect their right to control their world.  Do not impose yourself through force power abuse inconsiderateness, etc.

If they give you permission, say: I want to help you feel better. I would imagine gripping your right arm that tightly with your left hand would be painful and exhausting. However, does it make you feel better to do that?   The KEY structure in the communication here is 1. intent (I want to help you feel better) that is selfless (A selfish intent would be: I’m stressed out looking at your tight grip, can you stop it.  Don’t make it about yourself, prioritize the person you’re trying to help).  2. You explain YOUR point of view using language that clearly emphasizes that you are describing your point of view. This is critical. Never under any circumstance describe their reality on their behalf. That is taking away their power, that is disrespectful, that is fundamentally wrong. You are not them. Do not describe them. Describe you, let them describe them.  3. Ask for their point of view. Concede that they may have a rational reason for behaving that way. Don’t use a backhanded statement to be judgmental (“I’d never do that” would be a judgmental arrogant statement that evokes a “looking down at the other person” feeling that is not helpful).  Accept them for who they are at the moment.

Accept. Ask for Permission. Aid them not yourself.

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Here are the links to Part 2 and Part 3

How to Recover From Abuse

Emotional Intelligence, Life Skills, Mental Health

Here is a collection of tips that I found useful when recovering from abuse. Please comment below with any additional tips to share!

First recognize the state you’re in: you’re weak in every way.

You are not emotionally healthy enough to handle emotions because you’re emotionally weakened from the abuse you’ve gone through, so you’re likely to either be hurt easily by everything, or you’re likely to harden up and ignore or suppress any emotions you might feel. As much as possible, stay conscious of your emotionally weakened state, as it will help you make good decisions like avoiding confrontation/emotionally taxing events, or avoiding decisions that you normally wouldn’t make when healthy.

When you seek help, be selective and choose only people who make you feel better.  If someone doesn’t help you feel better about the abuse you’ve gone through, check if you have the energy to inform them. If so, do so. If not, end the conversation and try to find another person to help.  Most people are not trained to provide emotional therapy, so don’t be surprised if your friends and family fail to help.  Do make it known that you want help so that people can offer it to you and you can accept it if helpful.

Spend time on self care as much as you can.

Realize that you are likely to lapse greatly in this area, so do your best, but stay conscious of your progress and efforts at all times.

Health Checklist: I Feel Bad What Should I do?

Take your time, but also take as much action as you can bear.

A lot of people will tell you to ‘get over it’ and ‘move on’ and this is half helpful and half insulting so take it with a grain of salt.  The positive way of looking at these comments is that the intention is to help you feel better, it’s how they know how to show care for you. However, it’s often the case that their delivery is insensitive and hurtful, so ignore them if necessary.  Use them as a reminder that you should try as much as possible to take action, even if it’s a little bit. Get out of bed. Walk around. Shower. Wipe the table. Clear off the desk.  Read and clear an email or two.  Do something productive and take action.  And when you feel like you can’t do anything anymore, rest. If you need rest, take it.  When you’re ready, you can move on. When you’re ready, you can get over it.

Be honest with yourself on your recovery. Don’t let insensitive people pressure you to suppress your emotions before you’ve had the appropriate amount of time necessary to process them.  Take your time.

Do Things That Make You Happy!

Whatever it is, do what makes you happy until you can recover!

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Respond to Fear with Understanding, not with Power

Emotional Intelligence, Life Advice

While I was shopping at Ranch 99 in Daly City, I watched a 30-50 year old man yell at a 60-80 year old security guard, ask the security guard to go outside to fight him, and punch the security guard in the face (left eye) before storming off, looking over his shoulder in case he was pursued.

To appease you the reader, I should start off by saying that the security guard didn’t deserve to get punched and it is sad that he did. And it was wrong of the man to have punched the security guard on many levels, and it was wrong of the man to scream and yell at the security guard, and it was wrong of the man to storm off and not take responsibility. But what I want to talk about is the man and his perspective. So now that I’ve appeased you, let’s dive in.

Why in the world did this man act and behave in this way? Does he not know right from wrong? Does he not have self control? Does he think he can get away with this? These are common questions people who don’t understand this man would ask. And generally these people will follow these questions with an emotional reaction of fear: I’m afraid this man might someday harm me, so I want him to be locked away, punished, and corrected somehow. We need power to deal with this: the police, the law, the government, god, religion, higher powers, to step in. So that I can live my life in peace, safety, without fear.

To summarize: people who don’t understand respond with fear, and with that fear they wield power to solve what they perceive to the problem: that man.

The man was bald, asian, tan light brown, shorter than the security guard by about 7 inches, thin round glasses, wearing a checkered blue and white dress shirt, pressed with no wrinkles. He was thin, symmetrical round face, english was not his first language but he spoke it well to the point that only a native speaker could tell the slight misuse of air in his “wanna fight” pronunciation. He had a small backpack, a belt on, professional pants (but not black suit or dress pants).

I’m waiting in the checkout line. There beyond the cash register are boxes of snacks on sale. I see the security guard to my right talking to this man to the left of my field of vision. I hear the man on the left shout “Let’s go! Come on. Outside, right now. Are you a man?”

As a psychiatrist, this man is telling me he doesn’t feel like he is a man. He is insecure about his own manhood in this moment, which is why he is voicing it to the world in a desperate grasp at the idea that if he can make others believe he is a man, maybe through imposter syndrome he can convince himself he is a man. Something must be going on in his life. Something bad. Something that has taken away his confidence.

I see the security guard is an old white man, all white hair, has a belly, not athletic at all, should be retired but not privileged enough to retire so is instead working a low paying job as an unarmed security guard in ranch 99, and I see the man is younger, unwrinkled skin, but thinner. I start to theorize: He is in front of the snacks on sale, perhaps he tried to steal something because he is hungry, and the security guard is stopping him. What else would provoke such an outburst with the context I currently have?

“Let’s GO!”

This man wants to fight an older man by at least a decade. The idea that a 30 year old beating up a 70 year old proves that the 30 year old is a man is laughable. The logic doesn’t make sense. Therefore, I know this man is not thinking logically in this moment. It’s all emotional. He feels weak, his world is insecure, he is afraid, so fight or flight.

At this point I stop watching because I see the old man not making any movement toward the door (which is to the left of my vision) and I know he’s too old and wise and calm to pick a fight or give in to this childish taunting. I figure the man will just leave and everyone’s life will continue.

I see the security guard look around to see that attention of the crowd has been drawn. So with the support of us he draws the strength to say loudly “Get Out.”

There is a scuffle, I hear some plastic rustling (the snacks), I look up and I see the old man with his two hands raised trying to defend himself, walking backwards and losing balance and vision in his haste, and I see the man planted firmly on his feet, bouncing left and right as he advances, throwing one punch into the arms and another punch *smack* onto the face of the old man.

The man then backs off, and starts briskly walking away and looking around at us in case we close in on him. All the ranch 99 employees are slowly edging towards him and his eyes open wide. It’s at this moment that I notice the details: his face is fairly hollow and thin, he’s wearing nice pants, small backpack. He rushes away. No-one decides to restrain him physically and he gets away.

Everyone is in shock at what we all witnessed. We know that man was wrong for hitting the security guard, and we feel sorry for the security guard for being hit, and we know that the security guard is obviously a man for not fighting rather than a man for fighting. Cantonese fills the air which I don’t understand, and a few people go over to the security guard to comfort him. I think it’s very unfortunate: he’s an old man, he’s just trying to make a living as an unarmed security guard, probably a job that isn’t that high skill, not that much training, not that high paying…he probably took the risk because he didn’t have many other job prospects, especially at his age. All he wanted to do was have no trouble, do his job, and collect his pay.

So what’s my point with this story. I think that man had a job interview today and didn’t get the job. I think that man was hungry and afraid, as not having a job would make anyone afraid, and I think that man was feeling worthless. For whatever reason, the security guard decided that this man needed to be talked to, and the man felt even more worthless. And the man felt the fear that comes with being worthless. And the man responded to that fear with power: I’m not worthless because I can fight you physically.

The security guard felt fear, so he stood still and defensive. Then he noticed the power he could draw from the bystanders, and he used that power to fight back verbally.

The man, now facing the external fight against authority and the internal fight against his own worthlessness, responds to the fear with power and punches the man to win both the internal and external fight. (footnote1)

We as observers respond with fear followed by power as well.

My point is that responding to fear with power can lead to more fear and more power in an endless cycle. Responding with understanding can break the cycle, so respond to fear with understanding instead of power. Face your fear, know it in detail, plan for the corner cases, talk it out, understand it. That’s how you win. Not with power.

footnote1: Had he backed off, he would have felt more worthless. Thus to win the internal fight he had to win the external fight.To find out when more life education writing is released, subscribe on the side! Follow on Twitter, on Facebook, on Google+, on Tumblr.