To Provide Effective Care, Seek to Understand First Part 1

If you have someone you care about who is going through a difficult time and you don’t know how to help, this is the post for you. I’ll start with a quick guide on how to interact with them effectively, then dive into examples of what not to do in order to illustrate common mistakes people make when trying to help others.

Emotions -> Mental -> Physical -> Heart/Spiritual.  Help in that order (if they’re going to live. If you’re watching them die, Heart/Spiritual only).  This post is about how to help specifically Emotions.

Be Present with them. First is to meet them where they are, not where you are. Set aside your own thoughts and emotions and sync with them by taking on their thoughts and emotions using mirroring and empathy and understanding. The key here is to let them create the reality, and let them let you join the reality that they are in. Listen and follow.  Don’t contradict, don’t impose your reality on them. If you’re here to help them, you don’t matter. They do. Let them dictate. Let them live their way. Let them breathe without you cutting them off.

Gain their trust, use that trust to help them. After you’ve shown respect for what they’re going through by listening to and hearing their emotions and feelings and world view at that time, you can begin guiding them out. The key here is that you can only guide with details that are true for their reality.  Here word choice is very critical because a misuse in diction can lead to them spiraling out of control.  This concept is best illustrated with examples.

Let’s say they are very tense and you notice their left hand tightly gripping their right arm.

Don’t say: relax.    Because this statement is way to vague and does not adequately communicate your intention at all
Don’t say: stop that.    Because not only is this statement vague, but it is you asserting authority and control over the other person, rather than respecting them as someone who can make their own decisions.
Don’t say: be kinder to yourself.    Because not only is this statement vague, it’s judgmental and accusational: between the lines is “what’s wrong with you.”
Don’t say: what’s wrong with you?    Because this is blatantly confrontational and puts them on the defensive. You are launching an attack declaring that the other person is wrong, and asking them to defend themselves against you.

Say: Can I say something I’m noticing?   Because this is asking them permission to do something. It shows respect and keeps them in control of the situation, which is what you want to be the case. Don’t take the power from them when they are in a weak state. That’s bullying.

If they say no, don’t say it. If they say yes, then you can say: I notice that your left hand is gripping your right arm.   Because this is a NON JUDGMENTAL way to provide them with information.  DO NOT PROVIDE THE SOLUTION because then you take away their power to think for themselves.

Depending on how they respond, you can either agree with them or disagree. If you disagree, do it this way.  Say: Can I tell you what I think?     For everything that you’re about to do, clearly state what it is you’re going to do, and ask for permission.  Allow them to maintain control. If they don’t want to hear it, don’t tell them.  Respect their right to control their world.  Do not impose yourself through force power abuse inconsiderateness, etc.

If they give you permission, say: I want to help you feel better. I would imagine gripping your right arm that tightly with your left hand would be painful and exhausting. However, does it make you feel better to do that?   The KEY structure in the communication here is 1. intent (I want to help you feel better) that is selfless (A selfish intent would be: I’m stressed out looking at your tight grip, can you stop it.  Don’t make it about yourself, prioritize the person you’re trying to help).  2. You explain YOUR point of view using language that clearly emphasizes that you are describing your point of view. This is critical. Never under any circumstance describe their reality on their behalf. That is taking away their power, that is disrespectful, that is fundamentally wrong. You are not them. Do not describe them. Describe you, let them describe them.  3. Ask for their point of view. Concede that they may have a rational reason for behaving that way. Don’t use a backhanded statement to be judgmental (“I’d never do that” would be a judgmental arrogant statement that evokes a “looking down at the other person” feeling that is not helpful).  Accept them for who they are at the moment.

Accept. Ask for Permission. Aid them not yourself.

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Here are the links to Part 2 and Part 3

How to Recover From Abuse

Here is a collection of tips that I found useful when recovering from abuse. Please comment below with any additional tips to share!

First recognize the state you’re in: you’re weak in every way.

You are not emotionally healthy enough to handle emotions because you’re emotionally weakened from the abuse you’ve gone through, so you’re likely to either be hurt easily by everything, or you’re likely to harden up and ignore or suppress any emotions you might feel. As much as possible, stay conscious of your emotionally weakened state, as it will help you make good decisions like avoiding confrontation/emotionally taxing events, or avoiding decisions that you normally wouldn’t make when healthy.

When you seek help, be selective and choose only people who make you feel better.  If someone doesn’t help you feel better about the abuse you’ve gone through, check if you have the energy to inform them. If so, do so. If not, end the conversation and try to find another person to help.  Most people are not trained to provide emotional therapy, so don’t be surprised if your friends and family fail to help.  Do make it known that you want help so that people can offer it to you and you can accept it if helpful.

Spend time on self care as much as you can.

Realize that you are likely to lapse greatly in this area, so do your best, but stay conscious of your progress and efforts at all times.

Health Checklist: I Feel Bad What Should I do?

Take your time, but also take as much action as you can bear.

A lot of people will tell you to ‘get over it’ and ‘move on’ and this is half helpful and half insulting so take it with a grain of salt.  The positive way of looking at these comments is that the intention is to help you feel better, it’s how they know how to show care for you. However, it’s often the case that their delivery is insensitive and hurtful, so ignore them if necessary.  Use them as a reminder that you should try as much as possible to take action, even if it’s a little bit. Get out of bed. Walk around. Shower. Wipe the table. Clear off the desk.  Read and clear an email or two.  Do something productive and take action.  And when you feel like you can’t do anything anymore, rest. If you need rest, take it.  When you’re ready, you can move on. When you’re ready, you can get over it.

Be honest with yourself on your recovery. Don’t let insensitive people pressure you to suppress your emotions before you’ve had the appropriate amount of time necessary to process them.  Take your time.

Do Things That Make You Happy!

Whatever it is, do what makes you happy until you can recover!

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Health Checklist: I Feel Bad, What Should I Do?

  • Water: Drink clean, pure water. Hydrate
  • Oxygen: Take deep breaths, long and slow. Breathe air
  • Relax Your Muscles: Check for stiffness or muscle tension from your head to your toe, limb by limb. Stretch gently and massage gently areas of stiffness or muscle tension. Stand up tall, hop up and down and loosen up your body.  Relax
  • Relax Your Mind: Problems matter, but you can get to them later. Procrastinate a bit and stop thinking about them.  Zoom out from the problem and see how the problem fits into the bigger picture. Look at that bigger picture instead.  Look for the good parts. Remember what you’re working for, what you’re working towards.
  • Nutrition: Did you eat at all recently? Was it all sugar? Was it all processed chemical foods? Get something fresh and organic and eat it. Check your salt intake, potassium intake, iron, protein, carbs, fiber, vitamin C, B, D.  Yes seriously. It’s your job to get enough of every chemical, otherwise not getting enough is probably why you don’t feel good now.
  • Sleep: Did you get 8+ hours every day for the last 4+ days? If not, that’s your problem.
  • Exercise: Exercise has been scientifically proven to help you feel better! Take a walk, get some fresh air, play a sport or do a physical activity that you enjoy, engage in a hobby that involves moving your body.  5-10 minutes is all you need! Cleaning your place counts too!
  • Clothing: Are you wearing enough for the temperature you’re in? Add or remove layers, or adjust your AC/Heater.
  • Tasks: Is something due soon? What can you do, what’s in your control? What is not in your control? What is constructive that you can do and why? What is not constructive and why?  Focus on the plan, not the result. Plan and execute, let go of focusing on the result.
  • Perspective: Appreciate, Gratefulness, Positive Emotions. What are they? Remind yourself. Take a break from your current perspective to explore others.
  • Seek Help: Need help? Ask for it. Google it. AskReddit
  • Have Fun: Hung out with friends lately? Played lately? Had fun lately? Take a break
  • Relationships: Trouble? Happy? Face problems, ask for help if needed.
  • Financial: See Tasks and Seek Help
  • Emotional: See combination of all bullet points. Practice some self reflection and self awareness.  Meditate.
  • Intellectual: Speed is demanded by modern society but it isn’t required. If you’re late, better late than never. Thinking takes time, give your self time to solve intellectual problems.
  • Learn: Have you learned something lately? Do so
  • Create: Have you made something lately? Do so
  • Explore: Have you gone outside your comfort zone lately? Do so

If all bullet points are checked off as successful and you still feel bad, wait it out. Patience. <– This is assuming doctors haven’t provided effective solutions. If you haven’t seen a doctor, see a doctor and hear what they have to say.  Maybe listen, maybe not, it’s your choice.

Headache -> Check Fever, check temperature with thermometer.

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